Fall is coming..

Tonight I am finally able to sit down and update all who read this about whats been going on in my life. First of all, the job at National Counseling Group, has had its ups and downs. It is definitly hard to get use to but getting there. I make my own schedule which is nice but the downside is that i have clients who love to cancel. I am becoming much more aggressive and not so passive as i have learned that these clients definitly like to take you for all its worth.
The beach trip this year was amazing! I had so much fun and I am surprised i didn't write about it yet. It really was great to spend some time with my nephews and nieces. I spent so much time in the water and I actually...drum roll.. tanned! Although with how pale i am no one really noticed the sun i got except for me. haha. There was tons of laughter tons of craziness, and I completely finished two whole books on my trip. Since then I haven't had time to read anything but progress notes and staff meeting reports. ick!
We all know chris loves to sleep so on the way down to the beach I had some fun with my new blackberry.
I love my brother even though he really needs a haircut!

As you can the beach was amazing as always! In other news I am now 23! Another extremely frightening thought but besides the point.


Living with Pamela has turned out to be a wonderful experience for me. Its been rough starting a new job and paying rent and bills and learning to manage money the hard way but im surviving. Thankfully aunt syd still lets me do laundry at her house to save me some extra dimes. On that note, I harrass the woman as much as I can. I miss her alot but since she is helping my cousin kelly I have a great opportunity if a client does cancel to see her and my baby cousins who i can never get enough of!!
Things are coming along with me. I have alot that I am still wishing I could accomplish right now, one being financially comfortable but I am getting a ton of experience and that is important to. I must admit I did fall in a slum for a few weeks last month and I was almost scared I wouldn't surface again but I have some wonderful friends and wonderful family. As much as my mother has screwed things up for me she gets the brunt of my anger in these low times of mine. No matter what she listens and bears with the pain I know I put her through. I will yell and scream and cry and she listens and the next day we go back to the way things were. It has been nice though as she has begun to learn to be more technologically advanced. We now send picture messages back and forth when we feel the need to see eachother. Weird I know but its all I can ask for. Right now I am looking forward to the changing of the leaves, the cooler weather and of course my favorite holiday of all times, Halloween! Pamela has got a great red riding hood costume I am thinking of wearing! I will leave you with a few more pictures and I promise to update more often so the entries aren't as dreadfully long!








My cousins are my life. <3

Peace, Light and Love,

Samantha

Training...

Tonight I am in Richmond and successfully finished the first of two of my days of training academy for NCG. I have met some great people, and it has been so nice to interact and spend time with these people who actually treat me as an equal. Its not at all like Chattering Children where I felt like a child, like my input wasn't accepted or even acknowledged even if it was just about a preference for lunch. I know my next couple weeks will be hard to get use to and I am still weary about gas prices because we really don't get completely reimbursed. But the ability to work with these people and actually be fortunate enough to hopefully help someone is an amazing feeling. When I was in highschool, I remember thinking that it wasn't fair that anyone had to go through what my brother and I did, or what my friends in oregon did. I met some great kids in oregon who I know were not fortunate enough to have the kind of support that I did and I know that many of them did not go far and continue to fall. I hear this occasionally through word of mouth of distant friends and my mother as well.
I also took a step forward and attempted to sign up to volunteer for UNICEF, only to be shut down again. I found out that I have to be 25 years old just to volunteer, and I am soo frustrated with UNICEF right now. I don't know why they put such restrictions on their program when I want to learn and find out if that is what I really want because I feel it is. Anyway that is a challenge I will put off for another day. You would not believe how much information you must learn to be a counselor. We spent 4 hours alone today on restraint techniques. Its very interesting but I just hope that I can really affect change in someones life because I know their are so many who helped me I want to share that. I am not sure I know how just yet but I have some great new acquaintances that I can look up to and learn from and this has been a very happy and wonderful day for me.

Lots of New

It has been awhile, way to long actually, since I have updated my blog on here. I have to say lots has gone on so I will start from the beginning.. well kind of. I lost my job in March! It was horrible and I couldn't find a job anywhere (even home depot) for two months. Finally thanks to a friend of mine I found a great job as a home based counselor with National Counseling Group in Manassas VA. I know it is a little far, which sucks with the horrible gas prices, but it is a great opportunity for me. I am actually doing the social work thing! It was really scary at first, having to jump right in and accept a position that I had no idea if I could do or not. But I am starting to really enjoy it. I get to make my own schedule and shift things around as needed. I only have 3 clients currently and I will have more next week. Monday and tuesday I spend in Richmond for some extra training that they have at the training academy down there and than I am on my own.
I am also super excited because with the flexibility of my job I will still get to go to the beach! YAY! Which somewhat leads to my next news which is.... that I have moved in with my cousin Pamela in Alexandria and out of aunt syds. This is another wonderful thing because now my relationship with aunt syd is so much better. I hated it when we fought, I constantly felt like a disappointment and failure and she is so proud of me now. So that really is the majority of my news. I am having a good time in my new place although I am having to get use to my cousins quirks. She is in her late 20's but is very .. conservative i guess. She's the type who would rather have a tea party than go to a movie. She told me the other day that she didn't like the couch because it was too squishy.. she likes firm couches and she doesn't think they are to lounge upon.. Yah, no clue their, but i still love her to death and i officially paid my first months rent this week so I am really on my own, wooohooo! Thats all for now. Heres a picture of the view from the apartment..

Starting anew...

It has been far to long since I have updated this blog, and I must say at this changing point in my life I am making a decision that blogging here is much more my "cup of tea" than on myspace these days. I now live with my cousin pamela which is working out wonderfully. Pamela is in her late twenties and very mature and a great influence on me. So we live in a condo in Alexandria on the 14th floor, it is absolutely gorgeous at night(pic to left). I am getting along so much better with my aunt that I am ecstatic. This is what I have needed. To top it all off I have a new job as a home based counselor with an organization in Manassass VA, called the National Counseling Group (www.nationalcounselinggroup.com).
It is an opportunity for me to really put my social work degree to work. I already have three clients assigned to me. I go to a training academy in richmond for two days next week and then I am basically on my own. I set my own appointments and my own schedule and I do a lot of paper work. The other day I worked from 8am - 11pm and finally got home around 11:45pm. It was a long day but worth it, and most days won't be that long.
I feel that things are beginning to work out for me, I feel more independent and I also feel like I can handle that independence. I have been able to work more on my newest project my blanket for my newest baby cousin McKenzie who is 4 months old today. I can't tell you how sweet the kids in my family and I am so grateful to have them in my life and so close. I will leave you with a few pictures.

fall days.

Fall is my favorite time of the year. Some people say that it is depressing but the change of seasons intrigues me and delights me. Lately it is not the only thing making me smile though. I am working a lot and trying to save money to move on be more independent and live my life. Last week I went for a job interview for a part time counseling position at a short term foster care group home in Fairfax. The experience will be great for me as well the busy schedule. I think I do better when i have more to do. I also think that it will be good for me to be away from the house more.
I am starting to feel like an unwanted burden much like I did when i was younger. I am trying to make an effort to show my appreciation for what my aunt has done for me but i constantly feel like I am disappointing her. I love her and I regret every day I was hurtful to her when i was in high school and younger but it is as if my past haunts me. I honestly don't think she wants me around sometimes. It is as if my very presence irritates her. I just want to please her. I think back on some of the sweetest memories i have when I was little and they all in volve her. I wonder if she knows that.
But back to the things that I am happy about. My boyfriend, is a wonderful asset to my life right now. He makes me laugh and smile and unlike my other boyfriends he is a complete gentleman to me. He never talks down to me and doesn't make me feel the least bit inferior, with him i feel completely equal. He really has made m y past couple months better. I only wish I could bring him around more. He has met much of my family but I get the feeling aunt syd doesn't like him and so i hesitate to bring him over and we usually go out.
Im moving forward this is the good thing. I have goals and I am determined to follow through with them. I hope that one day my past is let go off and that people start looking at me for what I am not instead of what i once was. I also hope that people separate me from my mother. I am her daughter i do love her, I made mistakes like her, but I am NOT her. Your going to turn out just like your mother is something I am way to use to hearing. But i am trying hard these days not to worry about it because I know i am not. I know i am going to turn out like i was meant to. There are things i want to be and things i don't and one thing I know is that i am going to keep moving forward and i am not going to stop trying. That strength is what i have gained from my father.

A new day

It is absolutely amazing to me that after so many years of dealing with the same issue it can still catch you of guard and knock you right off your feet. Well two days ago I recieved another letter from my mother and at this point I was already vulnerable due to some issues with my current boyfriend. Boom! Just like that it kicked me down. I don't know why but it hit me hard and my normal strong self completely fell apart. Alcoholism is probably one largest problems I see today. I try to run from it but it haunts me. Fortunately my mother is strong and still ticking but she is also withering away. I researched a bit on dementia a few weeks ago while talking to my aunt and came up with a form that Alcohol Dementia.
So currently what is really hard for me to deal with is that I very much believe that my mom is starting to show symptoms of Dementia. Sometimes I try to think which is worse. Either way I am loosing my mother to a disease. When things like this happen I usually try to think of the good things my mother gave me. Simple things like her laugh make me smile. Today is a new day. I made the mistake but letting things get to me and I cannot do that anymore. I have come to find that if I constantly remind myself of the good things than there will be no reason for me to fall. I have come to far this year and tried to hard to prove myself and do well to fall back in that hole that I was in for the past 3+ years of my life.

Yesterday my cousins and nephews came over. The first thing they did was come upstairs to find me, and you can't even imagine how happy that makes me. My little cousins and nephews are the biggest joy in my life and more important to me than anything. I had the best day with them yesterday and they all had me laughing so hard I really did think I was going to pee myself. They are too cute and they helped me remember the reasons I want so bad to stay where I am at right now. I love those kids, and my new little cousins as well. I couldn't imagine being away from them because they really are the best.

peace, love and unity.

Happy Fathers Day

Fathers day has always been some what of a distant holiday in my eyes. Sadly I rarely remember when it comes around. Today I sat and thought for a long time about my father. I am so grateful that I am in McLean with my aunt sydney and near family that can tell me who my father was because I never really got that chance. What I do know is that he is my hero and who I look up to everyday of my life. He is an amazing man and I still feel sad when I think that he is not here with me today. What I do know though is that so many people have helped me feel this void in my father. I called my uncle today to tell him how much he means to me. He does not have any kids of his own but he has been the father that my brother and I needed. I am so glad that he is in my life. It is good for us to remember our Fathers where ever they may be and I wish a Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there.