Fall - My Favorite!

Fall is here! (the view from my balcony)

Can you feel it, see it, smell it? I can and I love it! Fall to me is the most amazing season. There is something calm about the season, as if everyone is shifting from such a hectic summer back into the work/school mode. The temperature is just perfect, not too hot, but definitley not cold. Just right to be able to cuddle up in your favorite sweatshirt if you feel the need but not absolutely necessary. I am sitting on my porch, although I have enough work to do, enjoying my gorgeous view. I can hear the bugs and birds and the hustle and bustle of Alexandria City, and possibly Washinton D.C too. The kids in the neighborhood below are running around playing and excited to be going back to school soon and seeing all their friends. If you go into the stores they are already putting up halloween stuff which is by far my favorite holiday! I didn't have the best day but this weather puts me in the absolute best mood I could be in. I feel calm and relaxed and happy. I feel like there is something that connects me to this season, and the past few years the fall has been little to non-existent around here and very disappointing.. but not this year.

As a kid I remember sitting outside in my yard at the Glenview Court house ( which I happen to live 3 blocks away from now, how ironic) an listen to these sounds. I remember my mother making me go to bed for school in the morning and being completely irritated because the sun was still up! haha! My brother and I use to look for turquoise rocks in the dirt beneath one of my favorite climbing trees, and still to this day I don't know how that turquoise got there and wonder if you can still find it. Every season you can find something to complain about summer - its too hot or too humid, winter - too cold i can't get to work blah blah blah, spring - um it rains to much? But Fall, you can't complain its perfect! I am so grateful for this gift. I really think that this is a treasure, and I feel like someone decided hey sam needs a break, lets let fall really be fall this year. :)

Oh and P.s. I got another bonus from work for doing a great job mentoring and being a team player :)

Fear

Today I had a very intense experience. I had to spend most of the day in Warrenton driving a client of mine to a FAPT meeting to ensure that we had funding for her supervised visits. On the way back I looked to my right and saw my mothers ex boyfriend, a face that has haunted me since I was about 5 years old. Even though I have come so far and I am happy with where I am this was a very scary 2 minutes for me. I have seen him before this and even talked to him, briefly, it was all I could do not to runaway. I just find it amazing that after all this time, he still haunts my dreams and he still makes my heart jump into my throat when I see him. He did not see me as far as I know and thankfully I was driving and was able to get away from him and avoid a reconnection but it still affected me. It bothers me that something like this could just give me such a creepy feeling that I can't shake. I hate that he still has that control over me and I want more then anything to let it go. I realize that I have let go of what happened and am not trying to change the past. I also realized though that I hope I never run into him again. He is not someone I ever want back into my life.

Beach Memories 09'

Football on the beach!!!

Its been a very crazy couple of days here in Nova, attempting to wind down from the beach and get back to reality. Good stuff first! The beach was amazing this year, as usual, and thanks to Aunt Syd and the Megonigal family as well for making it all possible. Our beach house was located in Corolla, NC this year. This is only a little further down the peninsula then we usually are, but it happened to be far enough to allow aunt syd and I to get lost for a short amount of time. Fortunately for us we actually were ahead of the caravan! Who would of thought that would ever happen, haha. Although, it was sad that alot of very loved and dearly missed family members weren't able to make it this year we had a great time. I felt so relaxed and proud of my accomplishments during this trip. This was my first official paid vacation! I had gotten paid before at Chattering Children but that was for a very short vacation and I do not count it. On top of that I sat back and thrived in my good news that I received a promotion and raise right before this wonderful time of year. So in all it was blissful and happy. The first day my friend Katie (who i have known since Longfellow Middle and has been a huge part of my life) joined our family at the beach. It was great for her as well to see Sam "not so stressed".

It was great to be able to spend some time at night listening to stories from Pat, Kelly, Ty and Mike about growing up in Glenview court, which I have also had a great deal of memories there. I have to admit it was even better to hear that they actually got in some trouble in high school as well! I've realized that I am not the only one who has had to deal with the "wrath of aunt Syd". The kids were an absolute riot!! Mckenzie, Shane and Mason especially running around with mouths full of chocolate, pirate caps and bubble swords! I would love to share pics, unfortunately most of them are on Holly's camera. It was another successful trip only missing more family members and of course the joyous beach games that Uncle Mike puts together. I started to throw in my own little games with a few of the kids and had a blast!

My Little Sweet Caitlin off to college in a few weeks!

Returning back to work I was greeted by a full case load including 4 new clients and a crisis! Hooray for working in a field full of absolute chaos. I am still trying to get completely unpacked from the beach and done with laundry, etc. So back to reality I go but I wanted everyone involved in the beach experience to know what a great time we had, and everyone who couldn't come how much you were missed. What a wonderful time of the year I wouldn't miss it for the world. I am so unbelievably grateful to my father for bringing me into this world to be a part of such a wonderful family. I look at my clients everyday and realize how lucky I am. We all should remember that.

Birthday

I have to say I don't really feel 24. This weekend along with my summer seems to have flown by. I have to say I was a little disappointed for my birthday. I spent the weekend hoping to spend time with friends and family. I did get to see my family not all but some. However I realized that maybe I was very deceived by who my true friends are. These so called "friends" spent the weekend parting elsewhere and grilling and going to six flags without me. They didn't call or make an effort to celebrate with me. I know this must sound selfish and negative of me but it really hurt. I do have a much better idea of who really matters in my life. Finally late sunday night I was able to go swimming which is what I really wanted to do. I went with my friend and his girlfriend which was fun. I had a great time out to lunch with my aunt and uncle and brother. I think that to me to be 24 is just so weird. I feel so old and yet I still feel like such a little kid all the time. Today I am sitting back relaxing and taking a breather and getting super psyched for the beach. My tooth infection seems to have disappeared so i think i will be able to enjoy my week at the beach with no problem. I can't wait! I am going to take the week and enjoy myself and not worry about anything! I am looking forward to spending time with my family, reading, swimming and relaxing. I am going to venture out and maybe take some walks alone and reflect, that will be a challenge to me because I hate to be inside my own head. But oh how I can't wait to just sit back and relax with my feet in the sand. :)

The Truth

Its about 10:30pm and I have basically wasted my whole day, or so it feels that way. For the past couple of weeks my energy has been up and down. When I first found out mom was sick, well sicker than normal, I spent most of my time wasting my life away with my friends and ignoring my responsibilities or at least trying to. I came to find that under pressure I can balance alot more than I thought. Then I stepped up again got really moving on work and got a bonus. Yay me.. Well for the past two weeks I have been back in a slump. I think its everything, people being sick scare me, work scares me, moving forward scares me. Along with my mom opening up more I have also had to deal with a big amount of things from the past. As most people know I still spend time with my mom's ex boyfriends neice lauren, we grew up together. Somehow lately things have come up that I don't remember. Lauren remembers everything that happened and why the need to tell me now I don't know. I help her talk about her mom's death and she is there for me during this scary time for me. She told me things that Rick did that I cannot remember, things that her mom told her he did and things she saw and it scares me so much that I never knew the extent of what was done to me. I hope my mother never does. But finding these things out in a way is helping me realize why I am the way I am. It a twisted way its helping but hurts at the same time. 

Today I was cleaning my room and re-read the card my daddy wrote me. I found it in Oregon and it is the only thing that I have that makes me feel so close to him. In it he tells me that I am not potty trained and that I bit my brother and said Im sorry and that he loves me. I cried. I always cry when it comes to him. I sometimes feel like if I still had him here everything would be okay. I hate the fact that I am in my twenties and I still have to struggle to feel okay. Just when I felt like I was finally over it all I get this phone call saying mom is well basically dying, something I have actually been watching her do for years but now its jumping in front of my face as if the grim reaper is mocking me. One of the best decisions I have made lately is to connect with my family. Every since I started being honest truly honest with everyone I have felt so much better. I can tell people I am scared and maybe they think its silly but at least they know how I am feeling. I am not sure where all this writing came from today. I just know that there is a lot that people don't really understand about me and that I don't understand about myself but I want that to change. I don't want to be the little girl who takes out her feelings on everyone because she doesn't understand them. I want to be the girl who stands up for those feelings. The one who says being honest is better then lying about everything being okay. The only way I have gotten this far is talking. I believe in the power of confronting the truth. I advocate for children who are too scared to do so and I remember my brother being that way. I am trying so hard to focus on my own life and let go of my mothers but I am so scared she will go away and everyone will remember her as the low life mother who drank herself to death and forgot about her kids. She calls me now everyday. Sometimes the phone calls are horrible. But sometimes she calls me and laughs and tells me stories about my dad, which may or may not be true, but she sounds happy. Thats who I want to remember. The mother who always wanted the best for me, the one who would wash my hair for me in a beautiful antique claw footed bathtub and let me eat kiwi and strawberries on a gold rimmed plate while I spent as long as I wanted feeling like a princess in that bathtub. I miss writing and I am going to write more because thats what my dad did. I am going to sing more because thats what my mom did and I am going to try hard to handle my life but I want at least my family to know that I may not be able to do this alone, and that I am admitting today.

Road trip Fun :)

I am exhausted today but for great reason. Friday after work I drove with my friends Lauren and Tiffany from McLean up to Allentown, PA to see my brothers band "The Goddamn Gallows" play at The Sterling Hotel. I know the name is a little much but they are GREAT! We started out at about 4pm, right as the storms started to hit in the Northern VA area. It took us until 7pm just to get to Laurel, MD. After passing Baltimore however the traffic ceased. It was great fun singing and laughing with my friends. I drove the whole way down which was surprising since I had been running on three hours of sleep the night before. The scenery was gorgeous after the rain stopped. Chris was scheduled to go on at 8pm but fortunately he didn't go on until 11ish. After a 3 6 hour trip (was suppose to be 3 and a half) we finally arrived at the destination at 10pm. YAY!

I practically clobbered my brother. I was really excited to see him. Tiffany and Lauren hadn't heard the band yet so I was excited to see what they thought. We hung out with the band members and Chris before going on. He gave me a cd and shirt so Lauren and I changed right before they got on so that we would be sporting the merchandise. It was amazing to see the change when they went on, compared to the other bands. When Chris and his band went on everyones attention was turned to them, unlike the other bands where most everyone was at the bar. Lauren and Tiff and I stood from row and center and took a ton of pictures. Of course they loved it. Tiffany couldn't stop screaming in my ear how awesome my brother was. Lauren and Tiffany and I danced and screamed and "completely rocked out". I almost cried at one point(i know sad) because my brother played the drums for one song and it made me so happy! 

They really put on an awesome show! After they're set we stayed as long as we could before I started falling asleep and left to get food. I decided I was awake enough to get us to food and then switch drivers, however during a 5 min period of driving everyone passed out and I was lost in Allentown by myself. Finally got on the right track and started home. Stopped at a gas station at 4am (about an hour after we left) and switched with Tiffany. We got home about 7:30 am this morning. It was long and crazy trip but so worth it. I love my brother dearly and am so grateful were closer then we use to be and that he is doing so well. Here are a few samples of our trip the rest have yet to be uploaded.  

Ready for Summer.

Yet again, its been awhile since my last update so let me see what I can write to fill you in. Work was slow and depressing for about a month when I was having a lack of clients. However I have a great client load currently that I just started. I am also extremely happy to report that I am doing very well at work, getting great reports from my supervisor and director. I find that I work so much  harder and better when I am getting compliments and so much positive reinforcement. I am learning so much and I am so grateful that I found this job however much it may stress me out sometimes. I just hit my one year mark at National Counseling Group and am turing in my evaluation soon. Yes a raise would be nice. :)

I am attempting to keep a strong grasp on the

 happy and positive things in my life. I have been struggling a great deal with the things that are going on with my mother, as my brother has as well.  I didn't realize that it would be this hard for me but I would never have the strength to deal with it without my family. Currently chris is on the road with his band touring. I hear from him a little bit more regularly then others and he seems to be doing fine. I do believe he will be coming back to McLean eventually after the tour is done with. I will be happy when he returns. We seem to get closer each time he leaves. I feel like we are both finally growing up and to a point where fighting just isn't worth it anymore. 

Pamela returns in less then 30 days now and I am both excited and nervous to have her return. I am excited because I miss her so much. However I am nervous because I hope that I kept good care of the place while she was gone. I have a few things to finish before she returns, including getting rid of the old television we have which no longer works and I  have to bring up a new table she ordered that we are putting in the hallway. I have to admit I will be relieved when she returns. I have never really taken care of plants except a bonsai that I ended up killing and I keep thinking I am going to kill one of her plants. 

Below is a pic of chris and his bass player during one of their shows on tour.