Autumn is my Favorite

So time has just flown by since August. I can't believe its already a couple days from my all time favorite holiday and I almost decided not to do anything. We'll see if I make it out with friends the saturday before. Depending how much work I have to do I may not. But, if I do go....I am going as a very awesome 70's glam girl and if only I could find some old school roller skates to make it that much more disco it would be awesome! Anyway, although this past couple months have been pretty rough I have the best news first....I got an A in my first class of graduate school! It may sound silly but I have a good habit of not putting forth as much effort as I can usually and I think I have finally grown out of that. I never expected to get an A my first class so I've been smiling nonstop all day. Of course my new course started today as well, Introduction to Advanced Practice, and it looks harder so I don't have much time to relax. I have to say I've been really grateful for family these months. My cousin especially has been really there for me while I have been dealing with my mother and her illnesses. Good news is I got her some services so she now gets meals on wheels and some other things that should help to make her feel better. I miss her dearly and its been harder then usual to talk to her especially when she sounds so much more like the mother I remember.
Along those lines I have been searching for jobs in Portland, OR. like mad and I am not hearing anything. I don't know if I will considering I have a Virginia address and so they may be just passing over my resume. Lets hope not though and I'll keep a positive outlook if everyone will cross their fingers for. I really feel like I should be closer to my mom. In a selfish way it will greatly reduce the stress I have from not being close enough to do much when she needs help. Also though I really miss Oregon, and I feel like I would have some awesome opportunities out there.
Anyway, nothing much else is new except for chopping my bangs off a couple weeks ago. Chris says that I look Retro so hopefully it shall go good with my costume. In his news, he is back on the road again and playing. He just told me he's somewhere in Illinois currently. I am still so proud of him and you all should check out his show if he comes in town. All the guys are super talented and so much fun!
Thats all for now folks. Heres a few fun pics. :)

Chris playing in philly

lily and I

Peace, Love, and Serenity,
Sam.

GRAD SCHOOL - Week 1

Alright guys, so I have officially started my first class of graduate school! I am now officially... Samantha Cunningham - graduate student full time and counselor full time!! Can we say Eeeeeeek! I couldn't have been more giddy on Monday. Seriously I woke up early just to see if my class was available online (6:00am). I just can't believe at this point in my life. Okay so moving on my graduate courses are set up so I take 2 classes per semester. I take one class at a time (but don't think easy yet)... each class is 8 weeks. Thats right, I only get 8 weeks to absorb all I can from a class that takes normal students a full semester. So for future notice when I don't call you back right away thats why. So my first class is so far pretty interesting. Its called integrating mirco and macro practices, pretty self explanatory. Right now we are discussing the differences between the individual part of social work and the advocating part. I think my school is amazing already! Their mission statement revolves around the World Health Organizations view of health, basically stating everyone has equal rights to not only physical health but also emotional and psychological as well. If you didn't know by now I have somewhat of a soft spot for international social work and WHO affiliates with UNICEF.   Anyway so far its been nice to be super busy but everyone at the office says I wont feel that way for long. I made a couple decisions for myself before starting that I hope to keep. One of them is that I don't want to loose track of my health. I promised myself that I am going to continue to make time to eat healthy and shop healthy even if that means waking up at 6am to run down to the farmers market on saturday. So far so good I hit up Whole Foods and Trader Joes last weekend and Ive got plenty. The other part of this is to continue to exercise somewhat regularly so I don't gain all my weight back while in school. So my friend lily and I decided to check out the Xsportfitness gym down the street and sign up for Zumba classes. Well we joined the gym and I am psyched! Its 24 hours, and with our membership (which for this area was super cheap) we have full range access to any classes we want any time. All we have to do is show up! We also have full range access to a pool a huge huge gym and full spa services including a salon. So I feel like I am ready for my new adventures and comfortable that I will also have a 24 hour outlet for my stress. Anyway I need to leave you all with that and go back to my studying. I will try to update and let you guys in about the ups and downs of grad school. I have to say its been the best starting a new chapter in my life. Wish me luck..I'll need it.

ps. To my oregon family I miss you guys so much already!

peace and love,

Sammy

Dreams do come true..

Its amazing how things come when you least expect it. When your down in the dumps, exhausted grumpy and ready to just give up and give in to the evil little thoughts floating in the back of your head that your not good enough and that bad things happen to good people something amazing comes along. It kicks you in the ass and smacks you in the face and its says "why would you EVER give up or given in to that negative mentality"!!!! Well that smack in the face I got was a dream coming true, one at least as I have many. Yesterday about lunch time Im in the office and I recieve an email saying "Congratulations". I got accepted to the University of New England's graduate studies online program for Masters of Social Work, Advanced Standing!!!!!!! Now at the time I abruptly interrupted a meeting I was in with my ass. director, director and one of our payroll specialists to shout out "I got in!!!!". Fortunately I am very close with these amazing people at my office (another blessing in my life) and we all laughed and I received some good hugs :). Now heres what you don't know... or may know if you know me...Im an emotional person. Ha! I can hear all the "really sam? Like we didn't notice". Well on the way home I cried, in between calling friends and family, I cried happy tears for so many reasons that I am sure no one may understand. The thing is I never thought I would be here. I was once a 15 year old girl crying in a bathroom thinking to myself that nothing was ever going to get better and I remember that agonizing and desperate lost feeling. I cried because I am so happy and so lucky and so terrified  and excited all at the same time to take this next step. I cried because without the family that took me in and dealt with my attitude problems and anger saved my life and gave me this chance. I cried because I know my dad would be proud. I cried because maybe I really can do all these things I want to do. I was relieved. I finally am starting to become the person I want to be, the person I use to be before the chaos and drama and anger, the one I thought was lost at age 7. I know that many people are probably going to laugh at me for feeling so strongly about this amazing chance that I am getting, but I don't care. I wouldn't be here in any way without my friends and family (this includes the amazing teachers and leaders in my life). I love you all. I hope you read this and understand that each one of you have made me stronger and have touched my life and that without that constant push, the love, the reaffirmation that I am a woman of value (amyjo), I would be no where, if even alive and thats the truth. So, here I go.. Starting August 30th, I will be a full time employee and full time graduate student with no time and probably a great deal of lack of sleep...All we do now is wait to see if I can hack it and know Im going to give it my best! :)

*two of my amazing coworkers and I. :)

Trust

Trust is an amazing thing. Its funny how everyone automatically expects it. I have friends family acquaintances that act as if Im automatically suppose to trust them. Ironically....I don't. Even more ironically...they don't trust me. I have lived my whole life thinking that what everyone told me was honest and true until one day I woke up and realized I was being lied to. Today I cannot name one person I know who hasn't lied to me at one point in my life. So, how do you expect me to trust you?? Tonight I had an well good but interesting night. Why must everyone be so fake? I get criticized and ridiculed why? Because I am honest? Because I am real? Because I try so hard to not care what others think of me? The truth is I hear and feel everything. I analyze your response, the tone of your voice, the facial expression. I wonder why I get treated this way when really what have I done but been a good friend to you? I may not be the easiest person to deal with but I feel that if I only understood the ways of others things would be different.
I cannot even find comfort in the voice of my family my brother, my mom, my aunt. I try to find comfort in myself but I can't.  I know Im not exactly normal or average or at all very interesting, but inside I feel I am a good person. I constantly think of my father because every ounce of my being feels that he would understand me. I close my eyes before I cry and wish he was here to make it go away. I feel bad for even feeling bad about the day I had today. What right do I have, to feel this way? Their are people all over the world dealing with much worse. Im a whimp! I scream this at myself silently in the mirror, (although in all honesty If I were alone in this house it would be loud and clear). I feel as if no one understands me or cares to try. I feel like an honest mistake, like a trip in a wire. I can't spend one night out with out realizing the fakeness and ridiculousness of so many. I don't judge you, why do you judge me when I am trying so hard to get up off my own two feet!?!

Unexpected

Sitting here enjoying my coffee on a beautiful spring morning a few things come to mind. One, things are so unexpected! Truly when in life has everything gone "as planned" rarely! Well, a few months ago I was hoping to get rid of my car move to new york, and somehow come up with the ridiculous amount of money it would cost me to go to columbia, and yes being doubted by many. I received a letter saying that I was not accepted into Columbia at this time. But! Lets look at the positive - in this letter they explained that I was in fact..."a QUALIFIED STUDENT" for their program! Unfortunately I did not turn in my application early enough. Can you believe that! I am actually qualified to get into an ivy league school. Thats all I need, this reaffirmation of my belief in myself. Now since then things have changed drastically, for instance my 2,000 dollars saved for grad school had to be put towards my saturn that was totaled. Yah, so life gives us these unexpected turns, but I realize now that its all meant to be in some way or another. Without these little trials how would we learn and grow. Ive met many people in my life and let me tell you the ones who have had it easy are the ones who probably would die off first if they were ever stuck in a real life version of LOST.
Anyway, my new plan is to attend the University of New England's online Masters of Social Work program advanced standing (full time) and continue working full time. I know this will be hard but I am excited at the challenge and I know I can do it.
The other thing on my mind recently is just this..Why are their so many people in the world that don't believe others can change? I truly and wholeheartedly believe that anyone can change if they choose to. This is way we have recovering alcoholics, juvenile delinquents turned college graduates and rehabilitated sex offenders. It saddens me when I hear people question me for giving others a second chance. Did people think that of me? Do they still? Its no secret I wasn't the best teenager but I feel like I have grown and changed. I work with children daily to affect change in their lives and teach them things can be different. However, I constantly hear people disagree with me when I say "maybe they have changed". Its depressing that we all can not see the positive side in people. How can anyone change for the better if they are constantly told they can't? I changed for the better, and my mother has even shown me that its never too late to make a change in your life. I hope that we can all open our minds and encourage others to keep working on oneself and continue to learn, grow, change and affect change in our friends, family, and world we live in.

Thoughts.

I want so much. At night now instead of going out I lay in bed and dream of everything I want to do or see or be. I feel stuck. I am disappointed in myself and yet I try to motivate myself to do more and I fall back. My heart literally aches. I want to go overseas, I want to help my clients, I want to affect change and do something for someone else. When I look in the mirror though, I see a little girl who was too afraid to grow up and move on and too selfish to let go of her past. I am critical of everyone else but you would never believe how much I am of myself. Its so frustrating. If I want something so bad why does it seem so hard to achieve it. Why can I not let go. I feel like I could spent eternity in my room wishing things were different but I know I can't change them. I teach my client's things I don't follow myself, is that fair, or is that just hypocritical. Lately I can't sleep at night, my dreams are back and my mind is constantly flooding with thoughts of my demon, my mother, basically my personal kryptonite. Although I know its for the better I have recently lost quite a few friends. I continue to repeat to myself that these people brought me down but it still hurts. There is a reason I kept so many people around me for so long. The same reason I pushed my family away for so long. It hurt to much. It stopped hurting when I was so crazy and entranced in my partying time because I didn't have time to think about it. I thought that was a way to solve my problems but it caught up with me and was magnified by ten so then I hid. Things are good. Honestly I am sitting here thinking why the hell am I crying. Why am I upset, what right do I have to feel this way? I am so lucky to have everything I have to be where I am. To be alive. People think its a joke when I say I am lucky to be alive but they don't know me. So then I get mad, because its not fair because I am being selfish and stupid for thinking like this. I just don't know what else to do to let it go. Im starting to wonder if this is how my mother felt. She wasn't always crazy. What if I am following her path, what if its inevitable? But what if i refuse....

2010 is here!

Well its finally 2010! Who would have thought, it seems like just yesterday we were bringing in y2k! Yes i remember those days well. For the New Year i was in New York City with my brother and it was just wonderful. Although I didn't go out to times square i watched the ball go down, sharing the joy with my friends via skype video and then was taken out afterward by a friend to show me the town. It was not to hectic just fun. I know that 2010 is going to be a great one. I am glad to leave some of the rough patches of 2009 behind me and move on looking forward to what this year holds for me. In good news my job has decided to switch us all to a salary payed plan and some wonderful benefits. I am fortunate to have such a wonderful job in these times. I really hope that we can pull out of this recession soon. Work is busy this year and I am loving it. I have some new and very challenging. It really takes some work for me not to want to scoop up some of these children and just take them home. They all deserve so much!


In other news I am happy and super excited to say that yesterday I submitted my application to Columbia University Graduate School for the advanced standing MSW program. I am so nervous. Aunt Syd keeps reassuring me I will get in. She really believes in my and it makes me so happy and motivated. I will most likely hear sometime in April. Until then, just in case, I am going to try to look up grants and scholarships. Columbia is not easy or free ride. My hope is to get my foot in the door at Unicef. I also lately have been very consumed with the news of the devastating earthquakes in Haiti. I have noticed that many of my colleagues and friends don't even know what has happened over there. I really hope that people will make more of an effort to find out whats going on in the world. We are all so consumed sometimes in our own lives that we forget that their are more important things going on. I urge everyone to make a small donation. I know its hard I myself have no money as it is but I donated $10 hoping that would do someone some good.


Chris is still home. The plan is hopefully to spend some time with him this weekend and look through and organize my dads books. However at this moment I am currently not feeling well so I am going to try to do what I can possibly tomorrow. It should be a fun project, I always love looking through things of my family especially my dad, he is such a hero to me and my motivation for everything I do. Till next time.



Peace and Serenity. <3>