GRAD SCHOOL - Week 1

Alright guys, so I have officially started my first class of graduate school! I am now officially... Samantha Cunningham - graduate student full time and counselor full time!! Can we say Eeeeeeek! I couldn't have been more giddy on Monday. Seriously I woke up early just to see if my class was available online (6:00am). I just can't believe at this point in my life. Okay so moving on my graduate courses are set up so I take 2 classes per semester. I take one class at a time (but don't think easy yet)... each class is 8 weeks. Thats right, I only get 8 weeks to absorb all I can from a class that takes normal students a full semester. So for future notice when I don't call you back right away thats why. So my first class is so far pretty interesting. Its called integrating mirco and macro practices, pretty self explanatory. Right now we are discussing the differences between the individual part of social work and the advocating part. I think my school is amazing already! Their mission statement revolves around the World Health Organizations view of health, basically stating everyone has equal rights to not only physical health but also emotional and psychological as well. If you didn't know by now I have somewhat of a soft spot for international social work and WHO affiliates with UNICEF.   Anyway so far its been nice to be super busy but everyone at the office says I wont feel that way for long. I made a couple decisions for myself before starting that I hope to keep. One of them is that I don't want to loose track of my health. I promised myself that I am going to continue to make time to eat healthy and shop healthy even if that means waking up at 6am to run down to the farmers market on saturday. So far so good I hit up Whole Foods and Trader Joes last weekend and Ive got plenty. The other part of this is to continue to exercise somewhat regularly so I don't gain all my weight back while in school. So my friend lily and I decided to check out the Xsportfitness gym down the street and sign up for Zumba classes. Well we joined the gym and I am psyched! Its 24 hours, and with our membership (which for this area was super cheap) we have full range access to any classes we want any time. All we have to do is show up! We also have full range access to a pool a huge huge gym and full spa services including a salon. So I feel like I am ready for my new adventures and comfortable that I will also have a 24 hour outlet for my stress. Anyway I need to leave you all with that and go back to my studying. I will try to update and let you guys in about the ups and downs of grad school. I have to say its been the best starting a new chapter in my life. Wish me luck..I'll need it.

ps. To my oregon family I miss you guys so much already!

peace and love,

Sammy

Dreams do come true..

Its amazing how things come when you least expect it. When your down in the dumps, exhausted grumpy and ready to just give up and give in to the evil little thoughts floating in the back of your head that your not good enough and that bad things happen to good people something amazing comes along. It kicks you in the ass and smacks you in the face and its says "why would you EVER give up or given in to that negative mentality"!!!! Well that smack in the face I got was a dream coming true, one at least as I have many. Yesterday about lunch time Im in the office and I recieve an email saying "Congratulations". I got accepted to the University of New England's graduate studies online program for Masters of Social Work, Advanced Standing!!!!!!! Now at the time I abruptly interrupted a meeting I was in with my ass. director, director and one of our payroll specialists to shout out "I got in!!!!". Fortunately I am very close with these amazing people at my office (another blessing in my life) and we all laughed and I received some good hugs :). Now heres what you don't know... or may know if you know me...Im an emotional person. Ha! I can hear all the "really sam? Like we didn't notice". Well on the way home I cried, in between calling friends and family, I cried happy tears for so many reasons that I am sure no one may understand. The thing is I never thought I would be here. I was once a 15 year old girl crying in a bathroom thinking to myself that nothing was ever going to get better and I remember that agonizing and desperate lost feeling. I cried because I am so happy and so lucky and so terrified  and excited all at the same time to take this next step. I cried because without the family that took me in and dealt with my attitude problems and anger saved my life and gave me this chance. I cried because I know my dad would be proud. I cried because maybe I really can do all these things I want to do. I was relieved. I finally am starting to become the person I want to be, the person I use to be before the chaos and drama and anger, the one I thought was lost at age 7. I know that many people are probably going to laugh at me for feeling so strongly about this amazing chance that I am getting, but I don't care. I wouldn't be here in any way without my friends and family (this includes the amazing teachers and leaders in my life). I love you all. I hope you read this and understand that each one of you have made me stronger and have touched my life and that without that constant push, the love, the reaffirmation that I am a woman of value (amyjo), I would be no where, if even alive and thats the truth. So, here I go.. Starting August 30th, I will be a full time employee and full time graduate student with no time and probably a great deal of lack of sleep...All we do now is wait to see if I can hack it and know Im going to give it my best! :)

*two of my amazing coworkers and I. :)

Trust

Trust is an amazing thing. Its funny how everyone automatically expects it. I have friends family acquaintances that act as if Im automatically suppose to trust them. Ironically....I don't. Even more ironically...they don't trust me. I have lived my whole life thinking that what everyone told me was honest and true until one day I woke up and realized I was being lied to. Today I cannot name one person I know who hasn't lied to me at one point in my life. So, how do you expect me to trust you?? Tonight I had an well good but interesting night. Why must everyone be so fake? I get criticized and ridiculed why? Because I am honest? Because I am real? Because I try so hard to not care what others think of me? The truth is I hear and feel everything. I analyze your response, the tone of your voice, the facial expression. I wonder why I get treated this way when really what have I done but been a good friend to you? I may not be the easiest person to deal with but I feel that if I only understood the ways of others things would be different.
I cannot even find comfort in the voice of my family my brother, my mom, my aunt. I try to find comfort in myself but I can't.  I know Im not exactly normal or average or at all very interesting, but inside I feel I am a good person. I constantly think of my father because every ounce of my being feels that he would understand me. I close my eyes before I cry and wish he was here to make it go away. I feel bad for even feeling bad about the day I had today. What right do I have, to feel this way? Their are people all over the world dealing with much worse. Im a whimp! I scream this at myself silently in the mirror, (although in all honesty If I were alone in this house it would be loud and clear). I feel as if no one understands me or cares to try. I feel like an honest mistake, like a trip in a wire. I can't spend one night out with out realizing the fakeness and ridiculousness of so many. I don't judge you, why do you judge me when I am trying so hard to get up off my own two feet!?!

Unexpected

Sitting here enjoying my coffee on a beautiful spring morning a few things come to mind. One, things are so unexpected! Truly when in life has everything gone "as planned" rarely! Well, a few months ago I was hoping to get rid of my car move to new york, and somehow come up with the ridiculous amount of money it would cost me to go to columbia, and yes being doubted by many. I received a letter saying that I was not accepted into Columbia at this time. But! Lets look at the positive - in this letter they explained that I was in fact..."a QUALIFIED STUDENT" for their program! Unfortunately I did not turn in my application early enough. Can you believe that! I am actually qualified to get into an ivy league school. Thats all I need, this reaffirmation of my belief in myself. Now since then things have changed drastically, for instance my 2,000 dollars saved for grad school had to be put towards my saturn that was totaled. Yah, so life gives us these unexpected turns, but I realize now that its all meant to be in some way or another. Without these little trials how would we learn and grow. Ive met many people in my life and let me tell you the ones who have had it easy are the ones who probably would die off first if they were ever stuck in a real life version of LOST.
Anyway, my new plan is to attend the University of New England's online Masters of Social Work program advanced standing (full time) and continue working full time. I know this will be hard but I am excited at the challenge and I know I can do it.
The other thing on my mind recently is just this..Why are their so many people in the world that don't believe others can change? I truly and wholeheartedly believe that anyone can change if they choose to. This is way we have recovering alcoholics, juvenile delinquents turned college graduates and rehabilitated sex offenders. It saddens me when I hear people question me for giving others a second chance. Did people think that of me? Do they still? Its no secret I wasn't the best teenager but I feel like I have grown and changed. I work with children daily to affect change in their lives and teach them things can be different. However, I constantly hear people disagree with me when I say "maybe they have changed". Its depressing that we all can not see the positive side in people. How can anyone change for the better if they are constantly told they can't? I changed for the better, and my mother has even shown me that its never too late to make a change in your life. I hope that we can all open our minds and encourage others to keep working on oneself and continue to learn, grow, change and affect change in our friends, family, and world we live in.

Thoughts.

I want so much. At night now instead of going out I lay in bed and dream of everything I want to do or see or be. I feel stuck. I am disappointed in myself and yet I try to motivate myself to do more and I fall back. My heart literally aches. I want to go overseas, I want to help my clients, I want to affect change and do something for someone else. When I look in the mirror though, I see a little girl who was too afraid to grow up and move on and too selfish to let go of her past. I am critical of everyone else but you would never believe how much I am of myself. Its so frustrating. If I want something so bad why does it seem so hard to achieve it. Why can I not let go. I feel like I could spent eternity in my room wishing things were different but I know I can't change them. I teach my client's things I don't follow myself, is that fair, or is that just hypocritical. Lately I can't sleep at night, my dreams are back and my mind is constantly flooding with thoughts of my demon, my mother, basically my personal kryptonite. Although I know its for the better I have recently lost quite a few friends. I continue to repeat to myself that these people brought me down but it still hurts. There is a reason I kept so many people around me for so long. The same reason I pushed my family away for so long. It hurt to much. It stopped hurting when I was so crazy and entranced in my partying time because I didn't have time to think about it. I thought that was a way to solve my problems but it caught up with me and was magnified by ten so then I hid. Things are good. Honestly I am sitting here thinking why the hell am I crying. Why am I upset, what right do I have to feel this way? I am so lucky to have everything I have to be where I am. To be alive. People think its a joke when I say I am lucky to be alive but they don't know me. So then I get mad, because its not fair because I am being selfish and stupid for thinking like this. I just don't know what else to do to let it go. Im starting to wonder if this is how my mother felt. She wasn't always crazy. What if I am following her path, what if its inevitable? But what if i refuse....

2010 is here!

Well its finally 2010! Who would have thought, it seems like just yesterday we were bringing in y2k! Yes i remember those days well. For the New Year i was in New York City with my brother and it was just wonderful. Although I didn't go out to times square i watched the ball go down, sharing the joy with my friends via skype video and then was taken out afterward by a friend to show me the town. It was not to hectic just fun. I know that 2010 is going to be a great one. I am glad to leave some of the rough patches of 2009 behind me and move on looking forward to what this year holds for me. In good news my job has decided to switch us all to a salary payed plan and some wonderful benefits. I am fortunate to have such a wonderful job in these times. I really hope that we can pull out of this recession soon. Work is busy this year and I am loving it. I have some new and very challenging. It really takes some work for me not to want to scoop up some of these children and just take them home. They all deserve so much!


In other news I am happy and super excited to say that yesterday I submitted my application to Columbia University Graduate School for the advanced standing MSW program. I am so nervous. Aunt Syd keeps reassuring me I will get in. She really believes in my and it makes me so happy and motivated. I will most likely hear sometime in April. Until then, just in case, I am going to try to look up grants and scholarships. Columbia is not easy or free ride. My hope is to get my foot in the door at Unicef. I also lately have been very consumed with the news of the devastating earthquakes in Haiti. I have noticed that many of my colleagues and friends don't even know what has happened over there. I really hope that people will make more of an effort to find out whats going on in the world. We are all so consumed sometimes in our own lives that we forget that their are more important things going on. I urge everyone to make a small donation. I know its hard I myself have no money as it is but I donated $10 hoping that would do someone some good.


Chris is still home. The plan is hopefully to spend some time with him this weekend and look through and organize my dads books. However at this moment I am currently not feeling well so I am going to try to do what I can possibly tomorrow. It should be a fun project, I always love looking through things of my family especially my dad, he is such a hero to me and my motivation for everything I do. Till next time.



Peace and Serenity. <3>

Learning to Grow

So its been awhile, what can I say Im busy.. Lets see I had a trip to my mothers. It was wonderful and sad all at the same time. I miss Oregon, it was beautiful. I loved being able to share it with Lauren as well, although she was sick most of the time. It was so nice to see my family and especially my mom. Looking back it probably was the best visit I have had with her since before I moved to Oregon. The first few days were difficult, she is very threatened by my other "mothers" and was sensitive to the fact that I was staying with Amy Jo. But my favorite part was the last day I spent in Eugene I went to see her in the morning alone. I spent about two hours with her. First I painted her fingernails and toenails and then I laid on the couch and listened to her tell me stories. Then we raided her shoe closest. :) My mother has always had the best style. At 66 years old she still has better shoes then I do! I miss her now just thinking about that one morning. The rest of the time was very difficult but that was all I needed, those two hours where I felt like my mom was still there. You know I am grateful for my generation, for the help I got when I needed it because I don't think my mother was fortunate enough to get the help she needed when she was young. I am lucky and I need to remember that everyday. So...sniff sniff, as I tell my client's its okay to cry...and jeez do I.

Since returning from Oregon, I have been swamped trying to get back into work and turning in all the stuff I need for my Graduate School Application. If I hadn't mentioned previously I made a decision to apply to University of New Englands, online MSW program. Its an online program and advanced standing so I could get it done in 2 years. I was done with everything and went to submit my essay when I was notified that they had revamped the requirements so I now have 3 pages more to add to my essay. GRRRRRR. I will figure it out though. As it gets closer, because I hope to start in January, I get more unsure of myself. I keep going back and forth telling myself my ambitions are too high and there is no way I can work full time and attend grad school full time. But people manage, for goodness sake I can even look at some of my favorite actors and realize that we may think their life is easy but waking up at 5am to start work everyday then going over lines not getting off sets until close to midnight..well I think I can't handle some extra work. I feel like I have always been this lazy girl. I sometimes regret things wishing I did better, I know that some things I half assed..Im learning and I want so much to have a set routine to get up every morning much like my aunt dianne and uncle kirk and get so much done. They wake up at like 4am 5am to go to work and manage to make time for work and everyone they care about. They really amaze me and they have worked so hard I want to empower that and strive to achieve everything I can. I didn't think I could graduate highschool alive, and I did, I once thought my dream of college was down the toilet (although it was the university of hawaii - I wanted to be a marine biologist) I did it, and then with my struggles I couldn't believe it when I graduated. Now Im scared I can't get into and finish grad school but Im determined to prove myself wrong. If only my mind would stay on the same path and stop going back and forth..haha. With that I close and I know its long but Ive included below my essay ..so far.. if anyone would like to give me some pointers or your opinion would be nice.

Peace, Love and Serenity :)

Grad Essay:

In our society today we face poverty, racism, homelessness, terrorism, world hunger, domestic violence, and child abuse to name a few. It is hard to determine which one would be most important. I would have to say that I feel the most pressing issue facing us today is child neglect and abuse. When I say child abuse and neglect I mean emotional, physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. Children are the next generation for our society.

I work with National Counseling Group providing home based counseling for children in need. Everyday I walk into homes where children are getting abused or neglected and it physically breaks my heart. As social workers it is our job to promote better standards for our parents and children. It is our job to teach parents and to help these children and make sure that they live in a safe and comfortable environment. It is our job to make sure that these children are clothed, educated and treated like children are meant to be treated.

Not only does this pertain to America but to all countries in our society. Not only in America are children getting abused and neglected, it is a worldwide problem that we have to address. We are the advocates for a younger generation, we are their voice and we need to be heard. As a home based counselor I have a much more intense relationship with my clients, which makes it hard not to get attached, but I have learned I must set boundaries. I have taken children to emergency rooms because their parents drugged them to get them to be quiet. I participate in child studies, team meetings, FAPT teams to advocate the needs of my client. I have made numerous phone calls to child protective services. I work with children who are abused, hungry and traumatized. Most recently I worked with children who live in a home that is corrupted by gang members from MS13, a very prominent gang in the area.

I come face to face with these issues daily and have been doing so for two years. My compassion has only grown stronger and I am determined to better myself and educate myself so that I may do a better job helping in these areas.

I came into the social work field due to personal experience. As a child I myself dealt with abuse and neglect. As a teenager I took care of my alcoholic mother and faced some of my worst nightmares. These experiences made me want to change things. I made a decision that no one should have to go through the things I did; or worse. I made a decision to use my experience to help others instead of letting it drag me down.

I put myself through school and graduated in 2007 with a bachelor’s degree in social work. During that time I still had to deal with my own problems, which made it extremely difficult to succeed and at times I didn’t think I would. Looking at my grades you can tell that I struggled. My mother was in Oregon and 90% of the time we didn’t know if she was alive or where she was because she lost her home and was living on the streets.

I may not have an excellent GPA but I received strong marks in my core subjects. I participated in forming the Social Work Club at our school and numerous community service projects. I believe my strengths are my compassion, my determination and my ability to listen and learn.

I am not perfect and I know that I need to continue to work on my clinical knowledge in the field, and my boundary issues. It is hard for me not to get attached to my client’s however I am learning not to. I now have two years in the field under my belt and I still want to pursue a Master’s degree in Social Work in order to better educate myself in the field and to do the best I can in helping others. My main goal is to one-day work for UNICEF helping children all over the world have a better life.