Arrivals, Changes and Adulthood

Its been awhile ladies and gents so let me fill you in as much as I can on the last couple months...I graciously anticipated the arrival of my new bundle of joy while staying with my brother and Aunt Sydney which was a wonderful and very appreciated situation so that I could be stable and get back on my feet. Around 10pm when my brother and I were watching...Rescuers Down Under (in our defense Bella was there who was 3 at the time,...who am i kidding we love that movie and she was already sleeping), anyway around 10 pm, I came back from the kitchen after taking my iron pill only to stop mid stride and look up and say "oh"...My little brother immediately paused the movie and said "oh great did your water just break", I said either that or i peed on myself and we bantered back and forth about what I was suppose to do next meanwhile I waddled to the bathroom and he turned the movie back on. The next 2 hours were quite silly, I called the docter who said to come in right away and then proceeded to freak out attempt to wash crib sheets, took a shower washed and dried and straightened my  hair and my brother went and picked up Angie. Needless to say I arrived at the hospital around two hours later.. At 10:27 am on December 12, 2012 after 12 hours of later Mia Josephine Cunningham graced us with her arrival. Born naturally with no c-section Mia came out with her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice and tied in a knot, the doctor told us he'd never seen anything like it she truly is a miracle. So grateful to my doctor who worked so quickly that I didn't even know about this until after she was in my arms. The umbilical cord could not be saved even to donate cord blood but thank god my baby was okay.

After a few days I was allowed to take her home, only to return to the hospital two days later for another week because Mia had jaundice and an infection! I stayed in the pediatric section of the hospital at INOVA with her and slept on a pull out chair, I wasn't about to leave for a minute. Her uncle came to visit often and brought me food and my computer so I was able to finish my Masters program online while I was there. I received my diploma a few weeks after we got home :) They ran way to many tests and said there was something wrong with Mia's kidney however later they released us. As of right now Mia is a super healthy super amazing and very well behaved 5 month old. Yes well behaved!! This child barely cries she is an angel and yah I know every parent says that but Mia is my everything so I will say it too. At 5 months she weighs ten lbs. Shes very little they are still worried and I need to get her kidney looked at again shortly but I know in my heart she is just fine.

Since coming home, I have taken a new job and Mia and I relocated to Roanoke, Virginia. I am working as a therapist/clinician in the schools down here and just moved into my very own one bedroom apartment with Mia. Its just enough space for the two of us (for those who aren't aware, I have separated myself from Mia's father, he is still in her life but needs to do some growing up). Its been a difficult and wonderful change. I feel like so much has changed the past few months I am still trying to catch up but so far it has been a wonderful journey. Mia was and is the most wonderful surprise I could of ever gotten. Someone was looking out for me. I believe I have emailed everyone are new address but you can always email me if you don't have it! I'll leave you with some love and pictures.....xoxo

New Home

So its been a lot of big news here! Its been a little over two weeks now that David and I have been in our new home. But let me back track a little bit for those of you I haven't been able to talk to. I went to the beach with the family as usual this year the first week of August. As many of you know David had been trying to get up here from Texas for quite some time but it wasn't an easy trek with a lot of stuff, two kids, and lack of money or a job. Well by the time I returned home from the beach David was here! I left early Friday night and drove home in time to pick him up and attend the wedding of two of my dearest friends in Roanoke, VA. It was a wonderful weekend, I couldn't of been happier (even with the addition of bad sinuses and a massive earache). We stayed with my cousins Heather and Trevor who were so wonderful to have us and it was fun to get the extra time with them and their little one as well. Then we returned home to find a place to live, a job for david, day care and move in all of a matter of weeks...Of course I stressed out.
Fortunately, searching on craigslist I found a few places we could manage but this one was my favorite and sounded two good to be true.  A two bedroom apartment with porch and washer and dryer right on the water in Quantico, VA. Hmm, close to work- check, on the water - check, price =cheap - check! Seriously, I was determined that this little place would be in the bad neighborhood of triangle where I work because of the price but I was greatly surprised.
Our new little home actually turned out to be a 2 bedroom duplex that was old school style built in the 1940's on the marina and it is actually on base of Quantico! For those of you who don't know, Quantico is a marine base that was built around the small teensy town of Quantico (talk about security no crime here!). The duplex has a small back yard and front yard, a basement and a porch that we will soon be screening in. The landlord is wonderful  and told us we can make any changes to the house and anything we fix or update will be taken out of our rent.
It has not by any means been easy transitioning from a single woman living with her cousin to living with my boyfriend and basically becoming instant step mom to two children and managing school full time and work full time. Fortunately, I have an amazing boyfriend and when I break down in tears in the middle of the kitchen because the window pane fell out of the window or we don't have enough milk he graciously gives me a hug tells me he loves and makes me laugh. I love it ( minus my dramatic breakdowns which will hopefully soon be gone).
The apartment is old fashioned just like I grew up in (my mothers taste) with old doorknobs, radiators and of course beautiful small pane wood flooring. Of course the previous tenant didn't take very good care of it so we have a lot of work to do but its exciting. Thanks to my aunt sydney we have some furniture including a dresser, couch, bookshelf and bed for Aubrey and Katie found a perfect toddler bed for little miss Briella. We still need a lot of stuff but its coming along nicely. David started a job with Craftsman auto body (thanks to my cousin mike) so we hopefully won't be dirt poor for long. Once we get on our feet we hope to paint and decorate and gain more for our house.
In the mean time I am bringing him over to the bright side of vegetarianism. He even asked me to make him tofu tonight and likes my almond milk. :) Of course the kids love it too. Below are some pictures and more to come soon. If you would like to update your address  book our new address is: 200 Potomac Ave #101 Quantico, VA 22134.
Peace, Love and Serenity,
Sam

Spring Sphere....No Way.

Times they are a changing..did anyone if not everyone hear about the spring sphere? What a ridiculous concept. Well I'm old fashioned so it will always be an Easter egg to me. Well its been months since my last chance to update so I guess I should have a lot of interesting stories to tell...unfortunately not too interesting though. The last few months have been a whirlwind blur. School has been wonderful but very intense and it won't stop this summer. I ended my most recent Substance Abuse class and am waiting to hear my final grade and my next class starts tonight at midnight. This class will be Social Work with Older Adults which I actually feel is going to be quite challenging to me since I am deathly afraid of the whole getting older, death thing. Another decision I have made is that I desperately need to get my anxiety in check. I had to stop Zumba for the time being because my work and school schedule just couldn't fit it in but I am hoping to possibly get back into it this summer... we'll see. Until than I ordered a yoga dvd so I'm going to do yoga in the evening to try to calm myself down. I also got this wonderful app on my Iphone called Get Running that is working me through a program to build endurance and teaching me how to run. Sounds silly but I like it and I've been wanting to start running for awhile now.
Lets see aside from school work is been crazy busy but I am grateful for a wonderful supervisor who has finally made it possible for me to get the hours I need. I see to be much more motivated when I am busy these days. I have still be looking on the horizon for something else, I love my job but low salary and millions of miles I put on my car is wearing on me. Other than that the rest of the time about a measly 1% that I am not working or studying I'm talking to David or my mother on the phone. Now that spring is hear I am going to be even more busy fitting everything into a crazy schedule. This summer Pamela and I are joining her mother and cousin for a trip to Disney World which I am completely excited for. I am so fortunate because this was a great surprise to me from Pamela and her mother and really will give me an opportunity to relive my childhood which we all need....well I try to relive my childhood daily but you know what I mean. Haha.
With the upcoming changes and the busy schedule I don't know what is next to come but I hope something good. My 3 year review is on Friday and although I don't know what will happen I would really love to have a good review and can't help in my heart but to cross my fingers for a promotion. In other news I have been sad to watch some wonderful people in my life fall on some rocky paths. Its been difficult for me to stand back and observe without trying to jump in and "save" as I use to do. I think that this year has been full of good learning experiences for me and its only been a few months. I look forward to whats ahead. I truly believe that things happen for a reason, whatever is thrown my way I know I can handle because I've done alright this far... My goals starting this week are to continue to be positive, continue to keep my 4.0 gpa, and work my butt off to get running this year. Oh and don't forget the wonderful news that Obama is in fact...an American..Haha..Mr. Trump sure knows how to make an ass out of himself. :)

I enjoy goofing off. :)

Peace and Serenity,
Me <3

Lucky..

The past months have flown by, I have been so busy with school work, zumba and other activities that I can't believe its January already. Aside from this I am unbelievably happy. I don't think Ive been this happy in my whole life! Im going to tell a story to explain my current situation. I had a friend in highschool, he was very close to me but I moved to Oregon. We talked on the phone alot and he was there through some of he rough times but somewhere in highschool we lost touch. In college I found him again we talked we caught up and we once again became great friends. At this time he was living in Texas so again I lost touch with him. A year later he was in the army stationed in Aberdeen, MD and we reconnected again except this time he had a kid. He got married and now has two kids and we of course lost touch and he ended up having a bad time and a divorce. Now comes the good part...God yet again brought us together. Now all of you know me and I am not one to speak out at all religiously I keep such things to myself. But there is no way this is coincidence. I am so happy and so lucky to have this wonderful man brought back into my life. I am blogging about this because he is so important to me I want you all to know. I just got back from spending 4 wonderful days in Texas with him, Katie (my best friend) and his two beautiful children. I couldn't be happier. Now all I have to do is wait for him to come home which is a work in progress because moving is costly and not easy. I wanted to share how happy I was and I am sorry if its completely corny but I have never wanted all of you to meet someone so badly and hopefully one day soon you will. Other than that school is wonderful and challenging I am busy and Zumba is keeping me somewhat fit. So far 2011 has turned out to be amazing and I finally feel like my past is behind me and I have a whole new life to look forward to. I am motivated and happy and can't wait to see what comes next. I love you all :)

peace and love
Sammy

Autumn is my Favorite

So time has just flown by since August. I can't believe its already a couple days from my all time favorite holiday and I almost decided not to do anything. We'll see if I make it out with friends the saturday before. Depending how much work I have to do I may not. But, if I do go....I am going as a very awesome 70's glam girl and if only I could find some old school roller skates to make it that much more disco it would be awesome! Anyway, although this past couple months have been pretty rough I have the best news first....I got an A in my first class of graduate school! It may sound silly but I have a good habit of not putting forth as much effort as I can usually and I think I have finally grown out of that. I never expected to get an A my first class so I've been smiling nonstop all day. Of course my new course started today as well, Introduction to Advanced Practice, and it looks harder so I don't have much time to relax. I have to say I've been really grateful for family these months. My cousin especially has been really there for me while I have been dealing with my mother and her illnesses. Good news is I got her some services so she now gets meals on wheels and some other things that should help to make her feel better. I miss her dearly and its been harder then usual to talk to her especially when she sounds so much more like the mother I remember.
Along those lines I have been searching for jobs in Portland, OR. like mad and I am not hearing anything. I don't know if I will considering I have a Virginia address and so they may be just passing over my resume. Lets hope not though and I'll keep a positive outlook if everyone will cross their fingers for. I really feel like I should be closer to my mom. In a selfish way it will greatly reduce the stress I have from not being close enough to do much when she needs help. Also though I really miss Oregon, and I feel like I would have some awesome opportunities out there.
Anyway, nothing much else is new except for chopping my bangs off a couple weeks ago. Chris says that I look Retro so hopefully it shall go good with my costume. In his news, he is back on the road again and playing. He just told me he's somewhere in Illinois currently. I am still so proud of him and you all should check out his show if he comes in town. All the guys are super talented and so much fun!
Thats all for now folks. Heres a few fun pics. :)

Chris playing in philly

lily and I

Peace, Love, and Serenity,
Sam.

GRAD SCHOOL - Week 1

Alright guys, so I have officially started my first class of graduate school! I am now officially... Samantha Cunningham - graduate student full time and counselor full time!! Can we say Eeeeeeek! I couldn't have been more giddy on Monday. Seriously I woke up early just to see if my class was available online (6:00am). I just can't believe at this point in my life. Okay so moving on my graduate courses are set up so I take 2 classes per semester. I take one class at a time (but don't think easy yet)... each class is 8 weeks. Thats right, I only get 8 weeks to absorb all I can from a class that takes normal students a full semester. So for future notice when I don't call you back right away thats why. So my first class is so far pretty interesting. Its called integrating mirco and macro practices, pretty self explanatory. Right now we are discussing the differences between the individual part of social work and the advocating part. I think my school is amazing already! Their mission statement revolves around the World Health Organizations view of health, basically stating everyone has equal rights to not only physical health but also emotional and psychological as well. If you didn't know by now I have somewhat of a soft spot for international social work and WHO affiliates with UNICEF.   Anyway so far its been nice to be super busy but everyone at the office says I wont feel that way for long. I made a couple decisions for myself before starting that I hope to keep. One of them is that I don't want to loose track of my health. I promised myself that I am going to continue to make time to eat healthy and shop healthy even if that means waking up at 6am to run down to the farmers market on saturday. So far so good I hit up Whole Foods and Trader Joes last weekend and Ive got plenty. The other part of this is to continue to exercise somewhat regularly so I don't gain all my weight back while in school. So my friend lily and I decided to check out the Xsportfitness gym down the street and sign up for Zumba classes. Well we joined the gym and I am psyched! Its 24 hours, and with our membership (which for this area was super cheap) we have full range access to any classes we want any time. All we have to do is show up! We also have full range access to a pool a huge huge gym and full spa services including a salon. So I feel like I am ready for my new adventures and comfortable that I will also have a 24 hour outlet for my stress. Anyway I need to leave you all with that and go back to my studying. I will try to update and let you guys in about the ups and downs of grad school. I have to say its been the best starting a new chapter in my life. Wish me luck..I'll need it.

ps. To my oregon family I miss you guys so much already!

peace and love,

Sammy

Dreams do come true..

Its amazing how things come when you least expect it. When your down in the dumps, exhausted grumpy and ready to just give up and give in to the evil little thoughts floating in the back of your head that your not good enough and that bad things happen to good people something amazing comes along. It kicks you in the ass and smacks you in the face and its says "why would you EVER give up or given in to that negative mentality"!!!! Well that smack in the face I got was a dream coming true, one at least as I have many. Yesterday about lunch time Im in the office and I recieve an email saying "Congratulations". I got accepted to the University of New England's graduate studies online program for Masters of Social Work, Advanced Standing!!!!!!! Now at the time I abruptly interrupted a meeting I was in with my ass. director, director and one of our payroll specialists to shout out "I got in!!!!". Fortunately I am very close with these amazing people at my office (another blessing in my life) and we all laughed and I received some good hugs :). Now heres what you don't know... or may know if you know me...Im an emotional person. Ha! I can hear all the "really sam? Like we didn't notice". Well on the way home I cried, in between calling friends and family, I cried happy tears for so many reasons that I am sure no one may understand. The thing is I never thought I would be here. I was once a 15 year old girl crying in a bathroom thinking to myself that nothing was ever going to get better and I remember that agonizing and desperate lost feeling. I cried because I am so happy and so lucky and so terrified  and excited all at the same time to take this next step. I cried because without the family that took me in and dealt with my attitude problems and anger saved my life and gave me this chance. I cried because I know my dad would be proud. I cried because maybe I really can do all these things I want to do. I was relieved. I finally am starting to become the person I want to be, the person I use to be before the chaos and drama and anger, the one I thought was lost at age 7. I know that many people are probably going to laugh at me for feeling so strongly about this amazing chance that I am getting, but I don't care. I wouldn't be here in any way without my friends and family (this includes the amazing teachers and leaders in my life). I love you all. I hope you read this and understand that each one of you have made me stronger and have touched my life and that without that constant push, the love, the reaffirmation that I am a woman of value (amyjo), I would be no where, if even alive and thats the truth. So, here I go.. Starting August 30th, I will be a full time employee and full time graduate student with no time and probably a great deal of lack of sleep...All we do now is wait to see if I can hack it and know Im going to give it my best! :)

*two of my amazing coworkers and I. :)

Trust

Trust is an amazing thing. Its funny how everyone automatically expects it. I have friends family acquaintances that act as if Im automatically suppose to trust them. Ironically....I don't. Even more ironically...they don't trust me. I have lived my whole life thinking that what everyone told me was honest and true until one day I woke up and realized I was being lied to. Today I cannot name one person I know who hasn't lied to me at one point in my life. So, how do you expect me to trust you?? Tonight I had an well good but interesting night. Why must everyone be so fake? I get criticized and ridiculed why? Because I am honest? Because I am real? Because I try so hard to not care what others think of me? The truth is I hear and feel everything. I analyze your response, the tone of your voice, the facial expression. I wonder why I get treated this way when really what have I done but been a good friend to you? I may not be the easiest person to deal with but I feel that if I only understood the ways of others things would be different.
I cannot even find comfort in the voice of my family my brother, my mom, my aunt. I try to find comfort in myself but I can't.  I know Im not exactly normal or average or at all very interesting, but inside I feel I am a good person. I constantly think of my father because every ounce of my being feels that he would understand me. I close my eyes before I cry and wish he was here to make it go away. I feel bad for even feeling bad about the day I had today. What right do I have, to feel this way? Their are people all over the world dealing with much worse. Im a whimp! I scream this at myself silently in the mirror, (although in all honesty If I were alone in this house it would be loud and clear). I feel as if no one understands me or cares to try. I feel like an honest mistake, like a trip in a wire. I can't spend one night out with out realizing the fakeness and ridiculousness of so many. I don't judge you, why do you judge me when I am trying so hard to get up off my own two feet!?!

Unexpected

Sitting here enjoying my coffee on a beautiful spring morning a few things come to mind. One, things are so unexpected! Truly when in life has everything gone "as planned" rarely! Well, a few months ago I was hoping to get rid of my car move to new york, and somehow come up with the ridiculous amount of money it would cost me to go to columbia, and yes being doubted by many. I received a letter saying that I was not accepted into Columbia at this time. But! Lets look at the positive - in this letter they explained that I was in fact..."a QUALIFIED STUDENT" for their program! Unfortunately I did not turn in my application early enough. Can you believe that! I am actually qualified to get into an ivy league school. Thats all I need, this reaffirmation of my belief in myself. Now since then things have changed drastically, for instance my 2,000 dollars saved for grad school had to be put towards my saturn that was totaled. Yah, so life gives us these unexpected turns, but I realize now that its all meant to be in some way or another. Without these little trials how would we learn and grow. Ive met many people in my life and let me tell you the ones who have had it easy are the ones who probably would die off first if they were ever stuck in a real life version of LOST.
Anyway, my new plan is to attend the University of New England's online Masters of Social Work program advanced standing (full time) and continue working full time. I know this will be hard but I am excited at the challenge and I know I can do it.
The other thing on my mind recently is just this..Why are their so many people in the world that don't believe others can change? I truly and wholeheartedly believe that anyone can change if they choose to. This is way we have recovering alcoholics, juvenile delinquents turned college graduates and rehabilitated sex offenders. It saddens me when I hear people question me for giving others a second chance. Did people think that of me? Do they still? Its no secret I wasn't the best teenager but I feel like I have grown and changed. I work with children daily to affect change in their lives and teach them things can be different. However, I constantly hear people disagree with me when I say "maybe they have changed". Its depressing that we all can not see the positive side in people. How can anyone change for the better if they are constantly told they can't? I changed for the better, and my mother has even shown me that its never too late to make a change in your life. I hope that we can all open our minds and encourage others to keep working on oneself and continue to learn, grow, change and affect change in our friends, family, and world we live in.

Thoughts.

I want so much. At night now instead of going out I lay in bed and dream of everything I want to do or see or be. I feel stuck. I am disappointed in myself and yet I try to motivate myself to do more and I fall back. My heart literally aches. I want to go overseas, I want to help my clients, I want to affect change and do something for someone else. When I look in the mirror though, I see a little girl who was too afraid to grow up and move on and too selfish to let go of her past. I am critical of everyone else but you would never believe how much I am of myself. Its so frustrating. If I want something so bad why does it seem so hard to achieve it. Why can I not let go. I feel like I could spent eternity in my room wishing things were different but I know I can't change them. I teach my client's things I don't follow myself, is that fair, or is that just hypocritical. Lately I can't sleep at night, my dreams are back and my mind is constantly flooding with thoughts of my demon, my mother, basically my personal kryptonite. Although I know its for the better I have recently lost quite a few friends. I continue to repeat to myself that these people brought me down but it still hurts. There is a reason I kept so many people around me for so long. The same reason I pushed my family away for so long. It hurt to much. It stopped hurting when I was so crazy and entranced in my partying time because I didn't have time to think about it. I thought that was a way to solve my problems but it caught up with me and was magnified by ten so then I hid. Things are good. Honestly I am sitting here thinking why the hell am I crying. Why am I upset, what right do I have to feel this way? I am so lucky to have everything I have to be where I am. To be alive. People think its a joke when I say I am lucky to be alive but they don't know me. So then I get mad, because its not fair because I am being selfish and stupid for thinking like this. I just don't know what else to do to let it go. Im starting to wonder if this is how my mother felt. She wasn't always crazy. What if I am following her path, what if its inevitable? But what if i refuse....

2010 is here!

Well its finally 2010! Who would have thought, it seems like just yesterday we were bringing in y2k! Yes i remember those days well. For the New Year i was in New York City with my brother and it was just wonderful. Although I didn't go out to times square i watched the ball go down, sharing the joy with my friends via skype video and then was taken out afterward by a friend to show me the town. It was not to hectic just fun. I know that 2010 is going to be a great one. I am glad to leave some of the rough patches of 2009 behind me and move on looking forward to what this year holds for me. In good news my job has decided to switch us all to a salary payed plan and some wonderful benefits. I am fortunate to have such a wonderful job in these times. I really hope that we can pull out of this recession soon. Work is busy this year and I am loving it. I have some new and very challenging. It really takes some work for me not to want to scoop up some of these children and just take them home. They all deserve so much!


In other news I am happy and super excited to say that yesterday I submitted my application to Columbia University Graduate School for the advanced standing MSW program. I am so nervous. Aunt Syd keeps reassuring me I will get in. She really believes in my and it makes me so happy and motivated. I will most likely hear sometime in April. Until then, just in case, I am going to try to look up grants and scholarships. Columbia is not easy or free ride. My hope is to get my foot in the door at Unicef. I also lately have been very consumed with the news of the devastating earthquakes in Haiti. I have noticed that many of my colleagues and friends don't even know what has happened over there. I really hope that people will make more of an effort to find out whats going on in the world. We are all so consumed sometimes in our own lives that we forget that their are more important things going on. I urge everyone to make a small donation. I know its hard I myself have no money as it is but I donated $10 hoping that would do someone some good.


Chris is still home. The plan is hopefully to spend some time with him this weekend and look through and organize my dads books. However at this moment I am currently not feeling well so I am going to try to do what I can possibly tomorrow. It should be a fun project, I always love looking through things of my family especially my dad, he is such a hero to me and my motivation for everything I do. Till next time.



Peace and Serenity. <3>

Learning to Grow

So its been awhile, what can I say Im busy.. Lets see I had a trip to my mothers. It was wonderful and sad all at the same time. I miss Oregon, it was beautiful. I loved being able to share it with Lauren as well, although she was sick most of the time. It was so nice to see my family and especially my mom. Looking back it probably was the best visit I have had with her since before I moved to Oregon. The first few days were difficult, she is very threatened by my other "mothers" and was sensitive to the fact that I was staying with Amy Jo. But my favorite part was the last day I spent in Eugene I went to see her in the morning alone. I spent about two hours with her. First I painted her fingernails and toenails and then I laid on the couch and listened to her tell me stories. Then we raided her shoe closest. :) My mother has always had the best style. At 66 years old she still has better shoes then I do! I miss her now just thinking about that one morning. The rest of the time was very difficult but that was all I needed, those two hours where I felt like my mom was still there. You know I am grateful for my generation, for the help I got when I needed it because I don't think my mother was fortunate enough to get the help she needed when she was young. I am lucky and I need to remember that everyday. So...sniff sniff, as I tell my client's its okay to cry...and jeez do I.

Since returning from Oregon, I have been swamped trying to get back into work and turning in all the stuff I need for my Graduate School Application. If I hadn't mentioned previously I made a decision to apply to University of New Englands, online MSW program. Its an online program and advanced standing so I could get it done in 2 years. I was done with everything and went to submit my essay when I was notified that they had revamped the requirements so I now have 3 pages more to add to my essay. GRRRRRR. I will figure it out though. As it gets closer, because I hope to start in January, I get more unsure of myself. I keep going back and forth telling myself my ambitions are too high and there is no way I can work full time and attend grad school full time. But people manage, for goodness sake I can even look at some of my favorite actors and realize that we may think their life is easy but waking up at 5am to start work everyday then going over lines not getting off sets until close to midnight..well I think I can't handle some extra work. I feel like I have always been this lazy girl. I sometimes regret things wishing I did better, I know that some things I half assed..Im learning and I want so much to have a set routine to get up every morning much like my aunt dianne and uncle kirk and get so much done. They wake up at like 4am 5am to go to work and manage to make time for work and everyone they care about. They really amaze me and they have worked so hard I want to empower that and strive to achieve everything I can. I didn't think I could graduate highschool alive, and I did, I once thought my dream of college was down the toilet (although it was the university of hawaii - I wanted to be a marine biologist) I did it, and then with my struggles I couldn't believe it when I graduated. Now Im scared I can't get into and finish grad school but Im determined to prove myself wrong. If only my mind would stay on the same path and stop going back and forth..haha. With that I close and I know its long but Ive included below my essay ..so far.. if anyone would like to give me some pointers or your opinion would be nice.

Peace, Love and Serenity :)

Grad Essay:

In our society today we face poverty, racism, homelessness, terrorism, world hunger, domestic violence, and child abuse to name a few. It is hard to determine which one would be most important. I would have to say that I feel the most pressing issue facing us today is child neglect and abuse. When I say child abuse and neglect I mean emotional, physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. Children are the next generation for our society.

I work with National Counseling Group providing home based counseling for children in need. Everyday I walk into homes where children are getting abused or neglected and it physically breaks my heart. As social workers it is our job to promote better standards for our parents and children. It is our job to teach parents and to help these children and make sure that they live in a safe and comfortable environment. It is our job to make sure that these children are clothed, educated and treated like children are meant to be treated.

Not only does this pertain to America but to all countries in our society. Not only in America are children getting abused and neglected, it is a worldwide problem that we have to address. We are the advocates for a younger generation, we are their voice and we need to be heard. As a home based counselor I have a much more intense relationship with my clients, which makes it hard not to get attached, but I have learned I must set boundaries. I have taken children to emergency rooms because their parents drugged them to get them to be quiet. I participate in child studies, team meetings, FAPT teams to advocate the needs of my client. I have made numerous phone calls to child protective services. I work with children who are abused, hungry and traumatized. Most recently I worked with children who live in a home that is corrupted by gang members from MS13, a very prominent gang in the area.

I come face to face with these issues daily and have been doing so for two years. My compassion has only grown stronger and I am determined to better myself and educate myself so that I may do a better job helping in these areas.

I came into the social work field due to personal experience. As a child I myself dealt with abuse and neglect. As a teenager I took care of my alcoholic mother and faced some of my worst nightmares. These experiences made me want to change things. I made a decision that no one should have to go through the things I did; or worse. I made a decision to use my experience to help others instead of letting it drag me down.

I put myself through school and graduated in 2007 with a bachelor’s degree in social work. During that time I still had to deal with my own problems, which made it extremely difficult to succeed and at times I didn’t think I would. Looking at my grades you can tell that I struggled. My mother was in Oregon and 90% of the time we didn’t know if she was alive or where she was because she lost her home and was living on the streets.

I may not have an excellent GPA but I received strong marks in my core subjects. I participated in forming the Social Work Club at our school and numerous community service projects. I believe my strengths are my compassion, my determination and my ability to listen and learn.

I am not perfect and I know that I need to continue to work on my clinical knowledge in the field, and my boundary issues. It is hard for me not to get attached to my client’s however I am learning not to. I now have two years in the field under my belt and I still want to pursue a Master’s degree in Social Work in order to better educate myself in the field and to do the best I can in helping others. My main goal is to one-day work for UNICEF helping children all over the world have a better life.

October - my favorite month.

HAPPY 18TH HOLLY! I LOVE YOU GIRL!
I love October! It is the best part of fall and who doesn't love Halloween??? Well unfortunately I put a hault on my Halloween fun because I have had to work alot this month so that I can take off to spend a few days in Oregon. So I am planning to do my Scary movies, cooking and carving with my mommy :). I m so excited that in just 3 1/2 days I get to go to Oregon and see my other favorite family. I also am scared out of my mind. Seeing my mom isn't the easiest thing. I have a habit of reverting to my 15 year self wanting to stay and take care of her, which i know I can't. But lets avoid that subject because I can attack that issue when I return. Heres what I have done this month...1) applied to grad school! I applied to University of New Englands online Masters of Social Work program. I am waiting on my transcripts and recommendations to send in. I am planning on starting full time in January and continuing working full time at National Counseling Group as well. I know its going to be hard but I am determined to make this happen, I remember thinking I wasn't going to survive highschool much less make it this far :). I also just got a new bed! I know this sounds like a small thing but its not to me. I grew up with a wonderful family who took me in. However, I didn't really have my "OWN" things. I lived out of a suitcase for a long time it seems. I will always consider both "the tree house " and Aunt syds my homes but it is so nice to have my very own first bed. Its mine :) . Its gorgeous and without pamela I never would have it. This was my "thank you" present for taking care of the house while Pamela was away. She always finds this ways to make me so happy I could cry. The picture of my father for one and now this. She is extremely thoughtful and very sincere. I love that she knows me better then a lot of people and loves me all the same. I have to sleep now and stop rambling for I have 3 days of work and somehow I have to fit all my client's in. But come 1:45 pm on Thursday I will be flying with Lauren to Oregon. I can't wait to see you guys!!!! I am so excited I could squeal...but I won't. I will pass along some pictures of my cute little room so you guys can see how pretty it is though :) . Peace and Love!

Fall - My Favorite!

Fall is here! (the view from my balcony)

Can you feel it, see it, smell it? I can and I love it! Fall to me is the most amazing season. There is something calm about the season, as if everyone is shifting from such a hectic summer back into the work/school mode. The temperature is just perfect, not too hot, but definitley not cold. Just right to be able to cuddle up in your favorite sweatshirt if you feel the need but not absolutely necessary. I am sitting on my porch, although I have enough work to do, enjoying my gorgeous view. I can hear the bugs and birds and the hustle and bustle of Alexandria City, and possibly Washinton D.C too. The kids in the neighborhood below are running around playing and excited to be going back to school soon and seeing all their friends. If you go into the stores they are already putting up halloween stuff which is by far my favorite holiday! I didn't have the best day but this weather puts me in the absolute best mood I could be in. I feel calm and relaxed and happy. I feel like there is something that connects me to this season, and the past few years the fall has been little to non-existent around here and very disappointing.. but not this year.

As a kid I remember sitting outside in my yard at the Glenview Court house ( which I happen to live 3 blocks away from now, how ironic) an listen to these sounds. I remember my mother making me go to bed for school in the morning and being completely irritated because the sun was still up! haha! My brother and I use to look for turquoise rocks in the dirt beneath one of my favorite climbing trees, and still to this day I don't know how that turquoise got there and wonder if you can still find it. Every season you can find something to complain about summer - its too hot or too humid, winter - too cold i can't get to work blah blah blah, spring - um it rains to much? But Fall, you can't complain its perfect! I am so grateful for this gift. I really think that this is a treasure, and I feel like someone decided hey sam needs a break, lets let fall really be fall this year. :)

Oh and P.s. I got another bonus from work for doing a great job mentoring and being a team player :)

Fear

Today I had a very intense experience. I had to spend most of the day in Warrenton driving a client of mine to a FAPT meeting to ensure that we had funding for her supervised visits. On the way back I looked to my right and saw my mothers ex boyfriend, a face that has haunted me since I was about 5 years old. Even though I have come so far and I am happy with where I am this was a very scary 2 minutes for me. I have seen him before this and even talked to him, briefly, it was all I could do not to runaway. I just find it amazing that after all this time, he still haunts my dreams and he still makes my heart jump into my throat when I see him. He did not see me as far as I know and thankfully I was driving and was able to get away from him and avoid a reconnection but it still affected me. It bothers me that something like this could just give me such a creepy feeling that I can't shake. I hate that he still has that control over me and I want more then anything to let it go. I realize that I have let go of what happened and am not trying to change the past. I also realized though that I hope I never run into him again. He is not someone I ever want back into my life.

Beach Memories 09'

Football on the beach!!!

Its been a very crazy couple of days here in Nova, attempting to wind down from the beach and get back to reality. Good stuff first! The beach was amazing this year, as usual, and thanks to Aunt Syd and the Megonigal family as well for making it all possible. Our beach house was located in Corolla, NC this year. This is only a little further down the peninsula then we usually are, but it happened to be far enough to allow aunt syd and I to get lost for a short amount of time. Fortunately for us we actually were ahead of the caravan! Who would of thought that would ever happen, haha. Although, it was sad that alot of very loved and dearly missed family members weren't able to make it this year we had a great time. I felt so relaxed and proud of my accomplishments during this trip. This was my first official paid vacation! I had gotten paid before at Chattering Children but that was for a very short vacation and I do not count it. On top of that I sat back and thrived in my good news that I received a promotion and raise right before this wonderful time of year. So in all it was blissful and happy. The first day my friend Katie (who i have known since Longfellow Middle and has been a huge part of my life) joined our family at the beach. It was great for her as well to see Sam "not so stressed".

It was great to be able to spend some time at night listening to stories from Pat, Kelly, Ty and Mike about growing up in Glenview court, which I have also had a great deal of memories there. I have to admit it was even better to hear that they actually got in some trouble in high school as well! I've realized that I am not the only one who has had to deal with the "wrath of aunt Syd". The kids were an absolute riot!! Mckenzie, Shane and Mason especially running around with mouths full of chocolate, pirate caps and bubble swords! I would love to share pics, unfortunately most of them are on Holly's camera. It was another successful trip only missing more family members and of course the joyous beach games that Uncle Mike puts together. I started to throw in my own little games with a few of the kids and had a blast!

My Little Sweet Caitlin off to college in a few weeks!

Returning back to work I was greeted by a full case load including 4 new clients and a crisis! Hooray for working in a field full of absolute chaos. I am still trying to get completely unpacked from the beach and done with laundry, etc. So back to reality I go but I wanted everyone involved in the beach experience to know what a great time we had, and everyone who couldn't come how much you were missed. What a wonderful time of the year I wouldn't miss it for the world. I am so unbelievably grateful to my father for bringing me into this world to be a part of such a wonderful family. I look at my clients everyday and realize how lucky I am. We all should remember that.

Birthday

I have to say I don't really feel 24. This weekend along with my summer seems to have flown by. I have to say I was a little disappointed for my birthday. I spent the weekend hoping to spend time with friends and family. I did get to see my family not all but some. However I realized that maybe I was very deceived by who my true friends are. These so called "friends" spent the weekend parting elsewhere and grilling and going to six flags without me. They didn't call or make an effort to celebrate with me. I know this must sound selfish and negative of me but it really hurt. I do have a much better idea of who really matters in my life. Finally late sunday night I was able to go swimming which is what I really wanted to do. I went with my friend and his girlfriend which was fun. I had a great time out to lunch with my aunt and uncle and brother. I think that to me to be 24 is just so weird. I feel so old and yet I still feel like such a little kid all the time. Today I am sitting back relaxing and taking a breather and getting super psyched for the beach. My tooth infection seems to have disappeared so i think i will be able to enjoy my week at the beach with no problem. I can't wait! I am going to take the week and enjoy myself and not worry about anything! I am looking forward to spending time with my family, reading, swimming and relaxing. I am going to venture out and maybe take some walks alone and reflect, that will be a challenge to me because I hate to be inside my own head. But oh how I can't wait to just sit back and relax with my feet in the sand. :)

The Truth

Its about 10:30pm and I have basically wasted my whole day, or so it feels that way. For the past couple of weeks my energy has been up and down. When I first found out mom was sick, well sicker than normal, I spent most of my time wasting my life away with my friends and ignoring my responsibilities or at least trying to. I came to find that under pressure I can balance alot more than I thought. Then I stepped up again got really moving on work and got a bonus. Yay me.. Well for the past two weeks I have been back in a slump. I think its everything, people being sick scare me, work scares me, moving forward scares me. Along with my mom opening up more I have also had to deal with a big amount of things from the past. As most people know I still spend time with my mom's ex boyfriends neice lauren, we grew up together. Somehow lately things have come up that I don't remember. Lauren remembers everything that happened and why the need to tell me now I don't know. I help her talk about her mom's death and she is there for me during this scary time for me. She told me things that Rick did that I cannot remember, things that her mom told her he did and things she saw and it scares me so much that I never knew the extent of what was done to me. I hope my mother never does. But finding these things out in a way is helping me realize why I am the way I am. It a twisted way its helping but hurts at the same time. 

Today I was cleaning my room and re-read the card my daddy wrote me. I found it in Oregon and it is the only thing that I have that makes me feel so close to him. In it he tells me that I am not potty trained and that I bit my brother and said Im sorry and that he loves me. I cried. I always cry when it comes to him. I sometimes feel like if I still had him here everything would be okay. I hate the fact that I am in my twenties and I still have to struggle to feel okay. Just when I felt like I was finally over it all I get this phone call saying mom is well basically dying, something I have actually been watching her do for years but now its jumping in front of my face as if the grim reaper is mocking me. One of the best decisions I have made lately is to connect with my family. Every since I started being honest truly honest with everyone I have felt so much better. I can tell people I am scared and maybe they think its silly but at least they know how I am feeling. I am not sure where all this writing came from today. I just know that there is a lot that people don't really understand about me and that I don't understand about myself but I want that to change. I don't want to be the little girl who takes out her feelings on everyone because she doesn't understand them. I want to be the girl who stands up for those feelings. The one who says being honest is better then lying about everything being okay. The only way I have gotten this far is talking. I believe in the power of confronting the truth. I advocate for children who are too scared to do so and I remember my brother being that way. I am trying so hard to focus on my own life and let go of my mothers but I am so scared she will go away and everyone will remember her as the low life mother who drank herself to death and forgot about her kids. She calls me now everyday. Sometimes the phone calls are horrible. But sometimes she calls me and laughs and tells me stories about my dad, which may or may not be true, but she sounds happy. Thats who I want to remember. The mother who always wanted the best for me, the one who would wash my hair for me in a beautiful antique claw footed bathtub and let me eat kiwi and strawberries on a gold rimmed plate while I spent as long as I wanted feeling like a princess in that bathtub. I miss writing and I am going to write more because thats what my dad did. I am going to sing more because thats what my mom did and I am going to try hard to handle my life but I want at least my family to know that I may not be able to do this alone, and that I am admitting today.

Road trip Fun :)

I am exhausted today but for great reason. Friday after work I drove with my friends Lauren and Tiffany from McLean up to Allentown, PA to see my brothers band "The Goddamn Gallows" play at The Sterling Hotel. I know the name is a little much but they are GREAT! We started out at about 4pm, right as the storms started to hit in the Northern VA area. It took us until 7pm just to get to Laurel, MD. After passing Baltimore however the traffic ceased. It was great fun singing and laughing with my friends. I drove the whole way down which was surprising since I had been running on three hours of sleep the night before. The scenery was gorgeous after the rain stopped. Chris was scheduled to go on at 8pm but fortunately he didn't go on until 11ish. After a 3 6 hour trip (was suppose to be 3 and a half) we finally arrived at the destination at 10pm. YAY!

I practically clobbered my brother. I was really excited to see him. Tiffany and Lauren hadn't heard the band yet so I was excited to see what they thought. We hung out with the band members and Chris before going on. He gave me a cd and shirt so Lauren and I changed right before they got on so that we would be sporting the merchandise. It was amazing to see the change when they went on, compared to the other bands. When Chris and his band went on everyones attention was turned to them, unlike the other bands where most everyone was at the bar. Lauren and Tiff and I stood from row and center and took a ton of pictures. Of course they loved it. Tiffany couldn't stop screaming in my ear how awesome my brother was. Lauren and Tiffany and I danced and screamed and "completely rocked out". I almost cried at one point(i know sad) because my brother played the drums for one song and it made me so happy! 

They really put on an awesome show! After they're set we stayed as long as we could before I started falling asleep and left to get food. I decided I was awake enough to get us to food and then switch drivers, however during a 5 min period of driving everyone passed out and I was lost in Allentown by myself. Finally got on the right track and started home. Stopped at a gas station at 4am (about an hour after we left) and switched with Tiffany. We got home about 7:30 am this morning. It was long and crazy trip but so worth it. I love my brother dearly and am so grateful were closer then we use to be and that he is doing so well. Here are a few samples of our trip the rest have yet to be uploaded.  

Ready for Summer.

Yet again, its been awhile since my last update so let me see what I can write to fill you in. Work was slow and depressing for about a month when I was having a lack of clients. However I have a great client load currently that I just started. I am also extremely happy to report that I am doing very well at work, getting great reports from my supervisor and director. I find that I work so much  harder and better when I am getting compliments and so much positive reinforcement. I am learning so much and I am so grateful that I found this job however much it may stress me out sometimes. I just hit my one year mark at National Counseling Group and am turing in my evaluation soon. Yes a raise would be nice. :)

I am attempting to keep a strong grasp on the

 happy and positive things in my life. I have been struggling a great deal with the things that are going on with my mother, as my brother has as well.  I didn't realize that it would be this hard for me but I would never have the strength to deal with it without my family. Currently chris is on the road with his band touring. I hear from him a little bit more regularly then others and he seems to be doing fine. I do believe he will be coming back to McLean eventually after the tour is done with. I will be happy when he returns. We seem to get closer each time he leaves. I feel like we are both finally growing up and to a point where fighting just isn't worth it anymore. 

Pamela returns in less then 30 days now and I am both excited and nervous to have her return. I am excited because I miss her so much. However I am nervous because I hope that I kept good care of the place while she was gone. I have a few things to finish before she returns, including getting rid of the old television we have which no longer works and I  have to bring up a new table she ordered that we are putting in the hallway. I have to admit I will be relieved when she returns. I have never really taken care of plants except a bonsai that I ended up killing and I keep thinking I am going to kill one of her plants. 

Below is a pic of chris and his bass player during one of their shows on tour.