Dreams do come true..

Its amazing how things come when you least expect it. When your down in the dumps, exhausted grumpy and ready to just give up and give in to the evil little thoughts floating in the back of your head that your not good enough and that bad things happen to good people something amazing comes along. It kicks you in the ass and smacks you in the face and its says "why would you EVER give up or given in to that negative mentality"!!!! Well that smack in the face I got was a dream coming true, one at least as I have many. Yesterday about lunch time Im in the office and I recieve an email saying "Congratulations". I got accepted to the University of New England's graduate studies online program for Masters of Social Work, Advanced Standing!!!!!!! Now at the time I abruptly interrupted a meeting I was in with my ass. director, director and one of our payroll specialists to shout out "I got in!!!!". Fortunately I am very close with these amazing people at my office (another blessing in my life) and we all laughed and I received some good hugs :). Now heres what you don't know... or may know if you know me...Im an emotional person. Ha! I can hear all the "really sam? Like we didn't notice". Well on the way home I cried, in between calling friends and family, I cried happy tears for so many reasons that I am sure no one may understand. The thing is I never thought I would be here. I was once a 15 year old girl crying in a bathroom thinking to myself that nothing was ever going to get better and I remember that agonizing and desperate lost feeling. I cried because I am so happy and so lucky and so terrified  and excited all at the same time to take this next step. I cried because without the family that took me in and dealt with my attitude problems and anger saved my life and gave me this chance. I cried because I know my dad would be proud. I cried because maybe I really can do all these things I want to do. I was relieved. I finally am starting to become the person I want to be, the person I use to be before the chaos and drama and anger, the one I thought was lost at age 7. I know that many people are probably going to laugh at me for feeling so strongly about this amazing chance that I am getting, but I don't care. I wouldn't be here in any way without my friends and family (this includes the amazing teachers and leaders in my life). I love you all. I hope you read this and understand that each one of you have made me stronger and have touched my life and that without that constant push, the love, the reaffirmation that I am a woman of value (amyjo), I would be no where, if even alive and thats the truth. So, here I go.. Starting August 30th, I will be a full time employee and full time graduate student with no time and probably a great deal of lack of sleep...All we do now is wait to see if I can hack it and know Im going to give it my best! :)

*two of my amazing coworkers and I. :)

Trust

Trust is an amazing thing. Its funny how everyone automatically expects it. I have friends family acquaintances that act as if Im automatically suppose to trust them. Ironically....I don't. Even more ironically...they don't trust me. I have lived my whole life thinking that what everyone told me was honest and true until one day I woke up and realized I was being lied to. Today I cannot name one person I know who hasn't lied to me at one point in my life. So, how do you expect me to trust you?? Tonight I had an well good but interesting night. Why must everyone be so fake? I get criticized and ridiculed why? Because I am honest? Because I am real? Because I try so hard to not care what others think of me? The truth is I hear and feel everything. I analyze your response, the tone of your voice, the facial expression. I wonder why I get treated this way when really what have I done but been a good friend to you? I may not be the easiest person to deal with but I feel that if I only understood the ways of others things would be different.
I cannot even find comfort in the voice of my family my brother, my mom, my aunt. I try to find comfort in myself but I can't.  I know Im not exactly normal or average or at all very interesting, but inside I feel I am a good person. I constantly think of my father because every ounce of my being feels that he would understand me. I close my eyes before I cry and wish he was here to make it go away. I feel bad for even feeling bad about the day I had today. What right do I have, to feel this way? Their are people all over the world dealing with much worse. Im a whimp! I scream this at myself silently in the mirror, (although in all honesty If I were alone in this house it would be loud and clear). I feel as if no one understands me or cares to try. I feel like an honest mistake, like a trip in a wire. I can't spend one night out with out realizing the fakeness and ridiculousness of so many. I don't judge you, why do you judge me when I am trying so hard to get up off my own two feet!?!

Unexpected

Sitting here enjoying my coffee on a beautiful spring morning a few things come to mind. One, things are so unexpected! Truly when in life has everything gone "as planned" rarely! Well, a few months ago I was hoping to get rid of my car move to new york, and somehow come up with the ridiculous amount of money it would cost me to go to columbia, and yes being doubted by many. I received a letter saying that I was not accepted into Columbia at this time. But! Lets look at the positive - in this letter they explained that I was in fact..."a QUALIFIED STUDENT" for their program! Unfortunately I did not turn in my application early enough. Can you believe that! I am actually qualified to get into an ivy league school. Thats all I need, this reaffirmation of my belief in myself. Now since then things have changed drastically, for instance my 2,000 dollars saved for grad school had to be put towards my saturn that was totaled. Yah, so life gives us these unexpected turns, but I realize now that its all meant to be in some way or another. Without these little trials how would we learn and grow. Ive met many people in my life and let me tell you the ones who have had it easy are the ones who probably would die off first if they were ever stuck in a real life version of LOST.
Anyway, my new plan is to attend the University of New England's online Masters of Social Work program advanced standing (full time) and continue working full time. I know this will be hard but I am excited at the challenge and I know I can do it.
The other thing on my mind recently is just this..Why are their so many people in the world that don't believe others can change? I truly and wholeheartedly believe that anyone can change if they choose to. This is way we have recovering alcoholics, juvenile delinquents turned college graduates and rehabilitated sex offenders. It saddens me when I hear people question me for giving others a second chance. Did people think that of me? Do they still? Its no secret I wasn't the best teenager but I feel like I have grown and changed. I work with children daily to affect change in their lives and teach them things can be different. However, I constantly hear people disagree with me when I say "maybe they have changed". Its depressing that we all can not see the positive side in people. How can anyone change for the better if they are constantly told they can't? I changed for the better, and my mother has even shown me that its never too late to make a change in your life. I hope that we can all open our minds and encourage others to keep working on oneself and continue to learn, grow, change and affect change in our friends, family, and world we live in.