Thoughts.

I want so much. At night now instead of going out I lay in bed and dream of everything I want to do or see or be. I feel stuck. I am disappointed in myself and yet I try to motivate myself to do more and I fall back. My heart literally aches. I want to go overseas, I want to help my clients, I want to affect change and do something for someone else. When I look in the mirror though, I see a little girl who was too afraid to grow up and move on and too selfish to let go of her past. I am critical of everyone else but you would never believe how much I am of myself. Its so frustrating. If I want something so bad why does it seem so hard to achieve it. Why can I not let go. I feel like I could spent eternity in my room wishing things were different but I know I can't change them. I teach my client's things I don't follow myself, is that fair, or is that just hypocritical. Lately I can't sleep at night, my dreams are back and my mind is constantly flooding with thoughts of my demon, my mother, basically my personal kryptonite. Although I know its for the better I have recently lost quite a few friends. I continue to repeat to myself that these people brought me down but it still hurts. There is a reason I kept so many people around me for so long. The same reason I pushed my family away for so long. It hurt to much. It stopped hurting when I was so crazy and entranced in my partying time because I didn't have time to think about it. I thought that was a way to solve my problems but it caught up with me and was magnified by ten so then I hid. Things are good. Honestly I am sitting here thinking why the hell am I crying. Why am I upset, what right do I have to feel this way? I am so lucky to have everything I have to be where I am. To be alive. People think its a joke when I say I am lucky to be alive but they don't know me. So then I get mad, because its not fair because I am being selfish and stupid for thinking like this. I just don't know what else to do to let it go. Im starting to wonder if this is how my mother felt. She wasn't always crazy. What if I am following her path, what if its inevitable? But what if i refuse....