The Truth

Its about 10:30pm and I have basically wasted my whole day, or so it feels that way. For the past couple of weeks my energy has been up and down. When I first found out mom was sick, well sicker than normal, I spent most of my time wasting my life away with my friends and ignoring my responsibilities or at least trying to. I came to find that under pressure I can balance alot more than I thought. Then I stepped up again got really moving on work and got a bonus. Yay me.. Well for the past two weeks I have been back in a slump. I think its everything, people being sick scare me, work scares me, moving forward scares me. Along with my mom opening up more I have also had to deal with a big amount of things from the past. As most people know I still spend time with my mom's ex boyfriends neice lauren, we grew up together. Somehow lately things have come up that I don't remember. Lauren remembers everything that happened and why the need to tell me now I don't know. I help her talk about her mom's death and she is there for me during this scary time for me. She told me things that Rick did that I cannot remember, things that her mom told her he did and things she saw and it scares me so much that I never knew the extent of what was done to me. I hope my mother never does. But finding these things out in a way is helping me realize why I am the way I am. It a twisted way its helping but hurts at the same time. 

Today I was cleaning my room and re-read the card my daddy wrote me. I found it in Oregon and it is the only thing that I have that makes me feel so close to him. In it he tells me that I am not potty trained and that I bit my brother and said Im sorry and that he loves me. I cried. I always cry when it comes to him. I sometimes feel like if I still had him here everything would be okay. I hate the fact that I am in my twenties and I still have to struggle to feel okay. Just when I felt like I was finally over it all I get this phone call saying mom is well basically dying, something I have actually been watching her do for years but now its jumping in front of my face as if the grim reaper is mocking me. One of the best decisions I have made lately is to connect with my family. Every since I started being honest truly honest with everyone I have felt so much better. I can tell people I am scared and maybe they think its silly but at least they know how I am feeling. I am not sure where all this writing came from today. I just know that there is a lot that people don't really understand about me and that I don't understand about myself but I want that to change. I don't want to be the little girl who takes out her feelings on everyone because she doesn't understand them. I want to be the girl who stands up for those feelings. The one who says being honest is better then lying about everything being okay. The only way I have gotten this far is talking. I believe in the power of confronting the truth. I advocate for children who are too scared to do so and I remember my brother being that way. I am trying so hard to focus on my own life and let go of my mothers but I am so scared she will go away and everyone will remember her as the low life mother who drank herself to death and forgot about her kids. She calls me now everyday. Sometimes the phone calls are horrible. But sometimes she calls me and laughs and tells me stories about my dad, which may or may not be true, but she sounds happy. Thats who I want to remember. The mother who always wanted the best for me, the one who would wash my hair for me in a beautiful antique claw footed bathtub and let me eat kiwi and strawberries on a gold rimmed plate while I spent as long as I wanted feeling like a princess in that bathtub. I miss writing and I am going to write more because thats what my dad did. I am going to sing more because thats what my mom did and I am going to try hard to handle my life but I want at least my family to know that I may not be able to do this alone, and that I am admitting today.