fall days.

Fall is my favorite time of the year. Some people say that it is depressing but the change of seasons intrigues me and delights me. Lately it is not the only thing making me smile though. I am working a lot and trying to save money to move on be more independent and live my life. Last week I went for a job interview for a part time counseling position at a short term foster care group home in Fairfax. The experience will be great for me as well the busy schedule. I think I do better when i have more to do. I also think that it will be good for me to be away from the house more.
I am starting to feel like an unwanted burden much like I did when i was younger. I am trying to make an effort to show my appreciation for what my aunt has done for me but i constantly feel like I am disappointing her. I love her and I regret every day I was hurtful to her when i was in high school and younger but it is as if my past haunts me. I honestly don't think she wants me around sometimes. It is as if my very presence irritates her. I just want to please her. I think back on some of the sweetest memories i have when I was little and they all in volve her. I wonder if she knows that.
But back to the things that I am happy about. My boyfriend, is a wonderful asset to my life right now. He makes me laugh and smile and unlike my other boyfriends he is a complete gentleman to me. He never talks down to me and doesn't make me feel the least bit inferior, with him i feel completely equal. He really has made m y past couple months better. I only wish I could bring him around more. He has met much of my family but I get the feeling aunt syd doesn't like him and so i hesitate to bring him over and we usually go out.
Im moving forward this is the good thing. I have goals and I am determined to follow through with them. I hope that one day my past is let go off and that people start looking at me for what I am not instead of what i once was. I also hope that people separate me from my mother. I am her daughter i do love her, I made mistakes like her, but I am NOT her. Your going to turn out just like your mother is something I am way to use to hearing. But i am trying hard these days not to worry about it because I know i am not. I know i am going to turn out like i was meant to. There are things i want to be and things i don't and one thing I know is that i am going to keep moving forward and i am not going to stop trying. That strength is what i have gained from my father.